I really feel like giving up on the whole Weigh in Wednesday thing at this point. I don't really seem to be losing any weight, and my weight fluctuates so much On a weekly basis that it becomes difficult to even track.

I didn't have a way in Wednesday last week due to scheduling and being busy etc etc, but my weight has been up as high as 219 over the past 2 weeks in as low as 213. I don't know if this can be attributed to water weight, or if my bathroom scale exists in some strange variable gravity field. maybe it's the tile floor? maybe it's just my stupid genetics? maybe I'm “manstrating” and I'm just a bit bloated?

whatever. It's stupid. My body is stupid.

today's number was 218. I'll go to the gym later and ride an exercise bike for an hour. This is stupid.

new technology

I've discovered I can save some time and effort writing using Google Voice in a Google Document and then copying it over. I might need some lessons on how to use Google Voice, because it doesn't really follow my commands the way I'd like it to. and I am discovering 95% accuracy isn't quite good enough.

as an example, I'm going to leave today's blog entry completely unedited from one Google Voice gives me. As you can already see it really sucks with indentation, and making sure words are capitalized after Sentence ending punctuation. and sometimes it just randomly capitalizes words in the middle of the sentence because, that smart. So if you are a publisher, or editor reading this blog entry, please note, this is not the way I type professionally!

so aside from having to go back and edit those inconvenient inconsistencies, it does okay. in fact using it me to write a bit more, except currently I'm not sure if I'm in the headspace for writing. as my life consistently takes turns, ups and downs, and sometimes unpredictable changes, I find myself feeling like I have to fight for survival some days. whereas if every waking moment my energy is not spent finding my next source of income, I must be a failure.

that can be a pretty awful feeling.

but it is a mixed blessing, having this freedom, being able to explore, and experience more with the time I have. But I also feel like because of these changes I'm a huge disappointment to everyone around me, especially those closest, and most important to me. I really hate that feeling. I know disappointing people sometimes is inevitable, but I feel pretty worthless when I do.

So right now finding more opportunities for photography, video work, in paid acting or really anything on a movie set that pays is really important. my latest experience with yet another strange Information Technology position has left me feeling like it is just not where I belong. as I get older my creative side becomes even more important to me. I'm proud of the work that I do in those areas, but I want to keep doing more and learning more.

next weekend I will be acting in a movie, a short film, but a significant role. I am by no means under any kind of delusions that these roles will lead to anything more significant on their own but it is experience, a opportunity to learn, and gives me a chance to do things that I enjoy.

So the next few days will be spent on catch-up work. I have a lot of video Work, photos to edits, photos to take....

I better get to it.