Tag: love

On The Future

The experiences of our past shape who we are. They often help us determine our course of action in the future. Although we can't let bad experiences fill us with fear, preventing us from creating good, positive experiences in the future, we would be fools to not mind the lessons we've learned.

In relationships, we need to be able to approach new people, and new opportunities with an open heart. When we find that person that we truly want to be with, and who wants to be with us, we should be able to put down our defenses, and be vulnerable. We can relax in an openness of self, willing to give from our core energy, and open to accepting what they give. Past misgivings from other relationships need to be dealt with on an emotional level. The hurt given to us through life, whether it be with other interpersonal relationships, damage done by strangers, or just the inevitabilities, or random events that cause us pain, and grief, need to be dealt with on an emotional level so that we can come to terms with that hurt, end our grieving, and accept the good things that are ahead of us.

However, red flags are red flags. If that special someone starts exhibiting concerning behavior, it shouldn't go ignored. Frank, and direct conversations about it, expressing concerns, and the feelings generated by their behavior should be initiated long before those behaviors do damage. From there you will get a sense of how your partner wants to deal with it.

Do they listen to your concerns? Do they get defensive? Do they try to turn it back on you, or do they engage in a dialogue while accepting their own responsibility to your feelings? Do they apologize curtly, and try to end, or steer the discussion elsewhere? Do they continue to exhibit the same behavior afterward?

Take notes. I know that sounds formal, but keep a journal or a diary. Don't just rely on your memory, which might be clouded by emotions while engaging in such conversations. Keep notes in case you need to look back, and remind yourself how things happened, what was said, how it transpired. It will help keep you from feeling crazy if your partner is trying to gaslight you, or manipulate you.

But, you have to deal with you first. Take some long, hard, critical looks at your past. FEEL the feelings, and emotions tied up within your experiences. Get professional counseling if you think you can't resolve those past feelings. Trust me, talking out all of the jumbles of thoughts, and feelings that can sometimes overwhelm is vital, and helpful.

Most importantly, don't assume the worst of a person just because things can sometimes be difficult, or even more, just because your past has been difficult. Talk it out. Talk it out. Talk it out. Be open, be honest, especially with yourself. If your partner can't handle your honesty, your feelings, or what you want from your relationship, they're probably not the right one for you...

Cutting Close To The Bone

God showed these to me. I know, that's a pretty strange statement for an atheist, but it's this god, not YOUR god...

Anyway, after this week, these are so close to the truth, they literally hurt for me to read. Major props to Holly Chisholm for being able to illustrate just how things often feel...

This is often how I feel in the morning, when I wake up alone. Sometimes it's not even waking up in the morning. Sometimes, no matter where I am, I just feel too heavy to move myself...
...which is also this. Even when I know I have to do something, or I should, it feel like all of my energy is lost simply figuring out how to get started.

 

Which is why hurt takes me so far off task. I try to not let myself be hurt, but my world is pretty heartless at times...

 

And this would help SO much.

 

But, alas, there aren't many places, or people where I feel that I'm good enough, ever.
So I often hide in music that can drown out those thoughts. Sometimes, it even stops me from sleeping because being in bed is time to think....

 

Which also reminds me of how I've been taught to not like myself, even when I tell myself I should love myself...

 

I think it started because of people. And people are always the fuel that revives it...
And even when I think things are under control, and going well, I know something terrible is always looming.

 

Which is why when I look up from the well I'm stuck in, my sky is often filled with dark, gloomy clouds.

 

 

Go love her work.

Old Thoughts, Current Feelings

June 20, 2010

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How amazing life is.

..sometimes I have to remember to consider all the wealth I have in my life right now. Especially my kids.

Saturday they helped me get the picnic tables and benches out of winter storage at their house. A few of the benches out-weigh the boys but they worked together to move them. As a reward, they got the first of several of my old, steel Tonka trucks that I had when I was their age. They're all still in good shape and have been in storage for ages. A bulldozer. They were excited, even if the weekend's activities prevented them from using it much.

My daughter asked me what she could earn when she helps out. I asked her what she wanted. She said, to spend more time with me.

I cried.

I cried again today when she gave me her fathers day gift she had been working on. Sea shells glued to a board and a poem. It was beautiful.

She also made the suggestion of getting me a wok for father's day. It amazes me how much she listens to me and knows me.

It amazes me how good all three of them really are. They're young; they will wander, and get distracted so shopping trips are non stop efforts to keep them moving, to stay on task. Of course we take breaks at the samples and demonstration tables - hey, if they're letting you try something new, I'm all for it! But there is never a fight over what we get or don't get. I never have that battle of endless, "I want! Can we get this?" and of course, never the ensuing tantrum when the answer is "not this time," like I see so many other parents deal with.

I see those parents. Sometimes I lose my patience too. Sometimes I have to step back, take a deep breath and remind myself, they're kids. Step back and remind myself to be patient and keep a level head, even when the youngest draws on the side of my car with a rock... *ahem* He's five. It's a car. He is more important.

Yesterday he had a great time at the party we went to with the lady offering face painting. And then he painted her's. Absolute hilarity, but I'm sure in his mind it was a masterpiece.

The middle child is my tough guy, with a sensitive heart. He is the one who stands by me in the rain, helping cut roots of a fallen tree. The one who will join me in tackling a task. The one who will look at a scrape or a cut and say, "Eh, I'm fine... but can I get a band-aid?" But his heart breaks so quickly - like when he's playing a game of kick-ball with his cousins and they won't throw him the ball because they don't trust he can catch it. For those times, we sit and talk, and he listens, and his heart slowly mends.

I'm blessed by these three.

Today we went and took pictures. I love capturing their faces, naturally. Having fun, smiling... today's subject was taste-testing citrus fruits: lemons, limes, grapefruit and oranges, and capturing their reactions. We juggled fruit, we threw them at each other. I captured a lot of amazing pictures.

..but every picture of them to me is amazing.

At the end of it, my daughter and I took the remaining lemons and made lemonade.

*sigh*

I have a lot in life to be thankful for, but little compares to them.

 

 

 

 

More Video Fun

LIVE! At the Palladium!

No, sorry, it was just the Buffalo Pizza & Ale House. But Cortney Chyme had to fill in for Derek Mediak of the Derek Mediak Band who was recovering from strep.

Check out these awesome rock renditions of classic alternative rock songs!

Buffalo Event Photography

If you frequent my blog, or my website here in general, you might notice changes happening right before your eyes.

I'm in the process of rebuilding all of my galleries. This is a huge, time consuming endeavor. I have to sort through literally tens of thousands of photos from over ten years of photography work.  The main focus however is event photography. I have been the photographer for Yelp.com events in Buffalo for over five years. I've covered two World's Largest Discos, three Witches Balls, and countless other events, large, and small, for various organizations, performers, and individuals.

I have to build the galleries, make sure all images are right-sized, watermarked, and their cleanest version. 

http://buffaloeventphotography.com is now active, and will take you directly to my new Event Photography Page. Other portfolio elements are changing, being cleaned out, and getting a whole new look as well, but it's a living work. It will hopefully never stop growing!

Feel free to peruse the new elements, and let me know what you think!

 

 

As The Usual

My Facebook Timeline is constantly filled with some of the most ridiculous, and dumbest things that people decided to share.

I only see it because they're my friends on Facebook, so I see what they share.

However, those same friends rarely, if ever, share my creative work, art, photography, or the work I do for others.

So, there's that.... right?

Five Foot Two

We watched the documentary on Lady Gaga yesterday, titled Five Foot Two. Turns out that was kind of important for me to see. It helped me realize, when filming a documentary, my videography doesn't have to be flawless. In fact, it can be downright awful, and still work.

I spent half of the documentary saying to myself quietly, "Please focus... please, just for the love of jeebus, please focus the camera..."

Vent

It's a sad day when I can't even come up with a decent title for a blog entry. No clever word play. No playful word cleverness. Just bland.

I think once things settle from the movie production I'm going to lock myself in my house for about four days, and write. A screenplay. A novel. Something. What are the stories that last throughout the ages? The struggles of a common man against great adversity? An eternal love spun from the horrors of the violence of humanity? Abstract looks at modern life, love, and the challenges represented by coping with our humanity? Cannibals? Ancient Composers? Marathon Runners? Gladiators!

I guess the point I'm trying to make is comedies, and sci-fi never really win best picture, and comparatively sell fewer books. 50 Shades of Gray has sold 125-million copies of four installments, and it is complete crap. Likewise, Twilight has also sold 120-million in five installments. Star Wars, one of the world's most popular franchises, has had over 300 installments, by various authors, and sources, and collectively has sold 150-million. 50 Shades of Grey which is probably on an even par with trashy paper-back Romance novels ("...her breath quickened as Duke Remington thrust his purple-headed solider into her moist, yet trembling apple pie of love.") except less creative, and poorly written, yet out-sells what is now a Disney franchise by a generously conservative 6:1 ratio per installment. Meanwhile, Star Wars also lost out on Best Picture to the story of an amateur boxer given a once-in-a-lifetime shot at the title, and thustly, was pummeled mercilessly.

So where do I start? A half-baked romance involving a billionaire predator trying to get a college student to be his sex slave? A fake documentary about a woman fighting against social injustices highlighting the socio-political, and religious shortcomings of modern society? I certainly can't write a sci-fi about the intergalactic socio-political struggles of a young man following an ancient religion. Or, the story of a stand-up comedian who just isn't funny. Not if I want it to actually work, and be recognized as a good bit of writing.

Ideas?

Suggestions?