Tag: thoughts

Self Reflections

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

Thoughts mused, somewhere around November 24, 2008....

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There was a point in my life where I wasn’t very happy, and I knew it.

At that time of my life, if there was such a thing as “emo” I probably would have been classified as such. Although I didn’t dress the part, I was depressed.

Literally.

More than just teen-angst – life seemed pointless and empty. I didn’t fit in and it was obvious. I had few friends and it was difficult for me to find enjoyment in anything.

But that was me on the inside. On the outside I was simply aloof, melancholy and just tried to take things a day at a time. Unfortunately most people mistook that for not caring and the slightest sign of motivation from me usually resulted in completely surprising others, sometimes to the point of dramatic over-reaction, which made me feel even worse.

Those who were close to me, that I discussed these things with… well, some wanted me to be happy. Others just wanted me to “be” happy… in other words, act happy whether I was or not.

People said (and still say) I’m too hard on myself. Too negative towards myself.

I’ve always thought I see myself in the light of true reality.

What many failed to understand was the difference between being happy and appearing to be happy. A lot of people appear to be happy and are tortured to misery within themselves. Others appear unhappy and yet are just who they want to be, and are happy with where they are in life.

Where am I now?

A bit in between. I’m happy with certain parts of my life, but completely dissatisfied with others. There are parts of my life – very important parts of my life that practically every day leave me confused, vexed and seeking answers.

Life offers me no guarantees – except one. I’ve come to realize that I am the only person I can count on. The only one I can truly rely on. The only one I can control or change.

Yes, I need to focus on me. Right now, that is all I can do.

All the problems other people have with me... I can’t really do anything about that.

One thing I have realized is, no matter how much I try to understand people or empathize with who they are, where they’ve been and the pain and trials they’ve lived through – few, very few, have ever taken the time to understand me the same way.

I appreciate those that have.

To those that haven’t and still want me to appear “happy,” well, I’m not going to lie to myself. If that’s a problem, too bad. Right now, I’m not very happy. I’m missing parts of my life. I’m trying to make up for time spent on other people and spend time on me now. I’ve taken a new direction, and chances are it isn’t a path those other people want to walk with me, I guess I’ll have to leave them behind.

Week Three

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

Today marks the beginning of my third week at the new job. It has been quite an adjustment, but a quick transition. The drive is a solid 50-60 minutes of road time in each direction, which I thought would be bad, but it really hasn't been. I struggle with it a bit just being so far from home each day - there is simply no way to quickly get back if the kids need something, or I have to pick one of them up from school. But there is also no traffic to speak of here, and honestly, a commute to Amherst or Williamsville could take just as long with traffic some days.

At least I can prepare for a consistent distance and amount of time.

The job has grown on me quickly. The staff is nice, the people genuinely need my help - not just people in cut-throat positions trying to get ahead. People here work hard at trying to make life and death experiences manageable, positive, and create successful outcomes. It helps knowing I'm helping helpers.

It is a bit of a relief to be busy, not micromanaged while expected to be a manager. To have a say in decisions and actually have it taken seriously. It's good to be back in a familiar feeling environment, facing real challenges. I like the hands-on, client first approach I need to take.

This has been good. Hopefully, it will continue to be.

Good-Bye Window

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

From March 24, 2009

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Waving to me
From your good-bye window
I catch the scent
Of this last hurrah
A Fourth-of-July
Grand finale
Complete with the
Bombs bursting in air
Powder and energy
Heat and purpose
Destroyed in a flash
Clouded by the sulfur scent
Washing the air dirty
And you wave to me
Mouthing the words
I cannot hear
Words I don’t want to hear
From silent lips speaking
This final message
Ringing in my ears
Is this all?
All this is?
It is gone

Cassiopeia Sighs

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

Clear and crisp, these winter skies
When autumn binds the summer’s ties
To frosty morning grounds
And silence that surrounds
Hearing nothing but a heart that pounds
And I sigh

I think, and I sigh

For here upon the midnight nigh
The winter moon with arms stretched high
Looks down upon the hills and trees
Leafless skeletons, forgive the breeze
Neither with an ask nor please
And I sigh

I ponder this, and I sigh

Taking back the sun and sky
Against the winters might, I try
But coldly under this smiling moon
I sit alone in an empty room
I sit in a house of empty rooms
And I sigh

I sit, and I sigh

Beneath Cassiopeia seated in the sky
Trying to catch the hunter’s eye
To gain his heart, to gain his mind
To gain a love so hard to find
To have their lives so intertwined
And I sigh

I think, and I sigh

Staring above to the winter sky
On frozen grounds where love can die
Taking from me flesh and bone
Life only borrowed, not to own
Belonging always to our home
And I sigh

I exhale one last sigh

Throwing a Hippopotamus

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

Sometimes that’s what this life feels like.

I have been given a hippopotamus, and my job is to throw it over a wall.

And I have to do it. But I have to figure out how first. I’ve already spent too much of my life having this damn hippo falling on me again and again…

The wall isn’t getting shorter and the hippo isn’t getting any lighter.

But as I get older, I’ve learned a little about this hippo, and this wall. And I’m trying some newer, less subtle approaches.

I think I’ll just knock down the wall.

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December 2007