Originally written March 14,2008.
One of those contemplative moments...
Random things about me...
One of my biggest fears is the fear that I will accidentally drop my cell phone in a toilet.
I also fear, when I am around high places with open spaces, like an atrium of an Embassy Suites, that I will be overcome by the desire to throw myself over the railing.
Yeah, I have some issues.
Don’t sneer, you probably do to.
One of my biggest issues is the way some people act toward me when I’m on the road, working for THEM.
I get a lot of the Camilla Capybara treatment…
“I’m bigger than you, I’m stronger than you and I’m smarter than you. So there.”
If you don’t know the book “Wodney Wat” this is a metaphor you probably don’t exactly get. Hey, I read to my kids and know their books. Sue me.
But the meaning is, I deal with these people who put on an air of superiority for no real reason except to try an intimidate you. Yes, you might know a LOT more about database administration than I do or Cisco Light AP Wireless Controllers or whatever. I really don’t care. Especially if I’m working on YOUR behalf, to help make a million-dollar-plus project YOUR hospital purchased run smoothly. If you’re not going to work at facilitating my job, then Wodney says go west.
And if you’re so damn good at what you do, then go start your own business. You can probably make more money than what the hospital you’re working for will pay you.
No? I didn’t think so. Shut up.
I’m also getting annoyed with vendor reps who immediately act like I’m there to screw up all their hard work, and I won’t be satisfied until the project is a complete failure.
Newsflash: I have my own reputation and business image to uphold. If I want to drive away all my customers and not be able to earn a living, I’ll go about my job carelessly, haphazardly, unprofessionally and then go drink all night.
Fortunately for you I like to be able to pay my bills, employ my employees, feed my kids, keep a roof over their heads and clothes on their backs. Therefore my intent is always to do the best damn job I can. Give me a break, don’t treat me like you’re the only professional in the room and stop starring over my shoulder all goddam day. It’s handled. Whatever the situation, it’s handled. The panic button can stay in your briefcase for once.
Needed to rant… sorry.
That brings me to the point of… expectations.
There are a lot of them out there. People expect a lot from me. I’m a pretty darn good multitasker but I can only handle satisfying a certain number of expectations at one time. I do my best to hit them all, but sometimes, much to my own chagrin, I fall short.
I’m not perfect.
I never claimed I was.
And the number one prioritized expectation in my life is, my own of myself.
Yes, I am my own worst critic. If anyone on this Earth has unreasonable expectations for me to uphold, it is me. I know this might sound hypocritical considering I just said “give me a break,” but I refuse to give myself a break.
The reasons are many. The only one that really matters though is contained inside my own heart. It is mine, it always will be. I’m consciously aware of it. It’s not an issue psychotherapy can fix, nor do I want it to be fixed. Sometimes I wish it wasn’t there but most days I draw strength from it.
It’s not going away. This is who I am.
I will most likely die trying to live up to this expectation of myself.
I’m ok with that. I’m ok with me.
Life… is good.
That is the way I see it. I can’t help those who disagree.
Oh… and I do hear some murmurings from the back… what? What is my expectation of other people?
I don’t expect anything from anyone that I wouldn’t be willing to do for them.
That is all.