Sometimes the tired mind gets to a place it couldn't go when rested. Thoughts flow, and words from them. Ideas begin to set in and discoveries are made....

This is from October 16, 2007. My birthday. It was a turbulent time in my life when everything seemed upside-down.

Except for one glimmer of hope.

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I slept horrible last night. Or perhaps better stated, I didn’t sleep horrible last night. Knowing I had an early morning to get into work, and the hell of a commute in New York City facing me to start, I tossed and turned just waiting for my wake-up call.

I suppose it didn’t help that my mind was running circles around the same issues it has been running circles around for quite some time now. What should I do? All these daunting tasks; the mountains that stand in my way, the raging rivers I must cross to reach what I want.

It is a metaphor I’ve used before… like trying to swim across a raging river; knowing what I’m leaving behind on one shore, unsure if I am strong enough to make it to the other.

The man who would play it safe would just live in contentment in the safety of the shore he was already standing on. Why dive into swirling torrents full of danger? What is so bad about quiet contentment, even if it isn’t exactly what makes you happy?

But as time has gone on, it’s not so much I can’t bear to stand on the shore anymore, but the river is rising. My room on this shore is eroding into the swift currents; I can’t stand by and let it sweep me under into a quiet despair and drown me. No, it’s sink or swim now.

I have to swim.

Not only do I have to swim, I have to realize there is so little for me on this shore it is time to throw myself to the swelling white-capped rapids before me. The rocks are sharp and jagged, the waters full of undertows. I can almost feel the mist of the waterfalls in the distance mocking me and calling me to fail as it chills my skin.

Sink, or swim?

Or simply succumb to the inevitable?

I must swim.

And what lies on the other shore? What is my guarantee that it is any better on that side of the river? Perhaps the murky waters have already eaten away too much of that shore I’m only swimming towards nothing, no future, no happiness. Nothing but the slow drowning death I’m already trying to avoid.

Still,it’s a risk I have to take.

Through risk, we grow. Through risk, we fail or succeed.

Only through taking risks can we achieve what we want in life. No one said life would be easy. The easy way is to stand on the shore and deny it dissolving under your feet. To keep backing up… regressing… avoiding the future and trying to hide in the comforts of the past.

That has never been my way of doing things. It is a risk I must take.

So if this is the end of who I am, so be it. I’ll shed off the clothes I once wore and dive head first into the cold, sucking river before me. I’ll swim as hard and fast as I can, on my own.

I will reach the other shore, on my own.

Or, I’ll drown. But at least I’ll know I wasn’t afraid to take the risk and try to live my life to the fullest.

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After writing this, and settling into my day, I received the following birthday greeting:

This day, is my new favorite day.

This day, brought so many other days that now, spark joy and breathe onto the flames of my happiness, desire, creativity, and bring a deep breath of life.

What an amazing twist of life, yarn and strands of what...fate? whatever it is...it twists and turns down paths neither of us can understand, yet here we are. And we collapse, we fall to the ground laughing because this is the perfect friendship.

So today, because this is the day that it all began before I even knew, I will dance. All day I will dance and sing, I will kiss the sky, stomp my feet. Beat a rhythm into the ground with my happiness and my small corner of the world will know how I feel.

I wish you the greatest, I wish only that you know the happiness that I do. The warmth that fuels you, brings a smile to your face as it has to mine, will be my first gift.

The first gift of many.

Perhaps the most positive, loving message I had ever received on my birthday....