My weigh-in Wednesday number is still 215.

Nothing has really changed, except the fact I'm struggling hard right now with keeping my mental state stable, and I haven't gotten to the gym in weeks. Still feel overwhelmed by how much I have to do, how big of a waste of time my current job is, and how much I feel like a failure almost every day as I face yet another job hunt. 

There are things that I want to do, but I feel the constant pressure to be productive, which equates to making money. There's no balance there. In my current job I make OK money, but the job is awful, and daily reminds me of why I want to be out of IT. To move out of IT would probably require a huge pay-cut, and one which I can hardly afford. But my job is ending anyway, so I need to make a move, except now the job market is drying up, or just flat out ridiculous so who wants to hire someone with my age, experience, and salary expectations?

My self-image is awful right now. I'm struggling inside every day just to make sense of who, and what I am.

Hey, it's the holidays! Or as I used to say, "Eh. It's the holidays..."

Ten Year Challenge

That said, many on social media are posting their Ten Year Challenge photos. That is, a photo of them from 2009, and a photo of them in 2019, to see how much they've changed. I'm not sure posting those photos are worth it in my case. Where I have changed is in who I am, not how I look. In 2009, I was running a business, and learning that the economic collapse was resulting in my business losing nearly $1.2 million in contracts that I worked tirelessly to establish over the previous 3 years. That, and the disastrous economic effects on other small businesses we worked with, and served, caused a chain-reaction which eventually put me in financial ruin. I had to let go of multiple employees, and the ones I kept in an effort to rebuild simply couldn't accomplish  to make paying them financially viable. I was working through ending a marriage, and a fledgling relationship with someone who provided no stability in my life. I was seeking out new contracts, and finding nothing was out there. I was fighting through crisis after crisis, and was nearly, completely on my own for all of it.

Now? I have a stable relationship of four years with someone who supports me. The business is gone, but I'm working on things that stoke my passions more. Otherwise, see above. My life is still in a constant tempest of change, and lacking direction.

What parts of a selfie would show those stories?

And I have stories. If you read back in my blog, I have many stories. Through the years my writing has become more refined, but the stories are still there.

Part of my frustration though probably comes from the fact that I do so much, especially in the artist/theater/film community, as a contribution to others' success, or for well below market compensation, because I know. I know it is tough to be out there trying to make it, trying to change a path, trying to make a dream come true, and to do so, you need resources. Resources aren't cheap, and they're not always affordable, and every time you don't move forward due to not having money, you remain that much further from getting there. So I do my best to be generous, and giving, and helpful, and I feel like most of the time all it does is hold me back.

Moving Forward

I guess the biggest thing is health insurance. Have to have it. But moving forward, I almost feel like going into 2020 I should skip the idea of having a high-paying, full-time job, and work toward my own goals. Take some acting classes. Get in with movie folks tighter, and wait for some of these big productions that are coming up. Start writing a book. Come up with a good story; I know how to write. I just finished a full-length script this year for a colleague, and unearthed a few bones that were provided to create a living, breathing creature. In the 48, I worked with a small crew, and limited technical resources to create a top 4 film, and was a top 4 writer, and a top 4 director. That has to say something, right?

Speaking of the 48 film, Cortney had a gig Saturday for the Holocaust Resource Center of Buffalo. Afterwards, we decided to go to SATO Brew Pub for dinner. SATO was decidedly quiet, and when we arrived we were their only patrons, but that changed soon after. Because the next day we had our "Meet The Filmmakers" interview for the 48, we got onto the topic of our movie, and Cortney asked, "Did you ever tell Jordan that she spelled Stuart wrong on that certificate?"

My daughter had spelled the name Stewart, which is a proper spelling, but probably not the most common one. As we continued our discussion, the server came over to us, and with a very unsure approach asked us, "Did I do something wrong?"

We looked at him inquisitively, and said, "No, why?"

He responded, "Because you keep spelling my name..."

We laughed, and asked, "Your name is Stuart?"

He confirmed. We explained our story, and he seemed relieved. He said, "I thought you were leaving me a bad Yelp review or something!"

He insisted we help him queue up Stages on YouTube on his phone, so he could watch it with his girlfriend later that night. We did, and we all had a great conversation about it, but afterward Cortney, and I agreed that was going to be a downer of a night for him, and his girlfriend, if they YouTube, and chill over Stages.

If you're unfamiliar with our 48-Hour Film Project production, Stages, here it is for your viewing convenience.

 

Our Meet The Filmmaker interview went well, but as always, the questions I anticipate people will ask about the movie are not the questions that are asked. Meet The Filmmakers will probably be released in late Spring/early Summer. Before then, however, Stages will be shown at a movie night at Buff State's Upton Hall on Friday Dec 6 at 7PM. This is an event hosted by Mike Raisch for his recent production Smith and the Devil which I assisted slightly in helping to shoot some video elements (under water, no less). There will be a Q&A afterward, and I will be speaking about Stages, so feel free to come, and ask questions.

Another Week Flown By

You can tell I started writing this last week. The 10-Year Challenge is barely a thing now. A week later. Now I'm trying to avoid getting "nominated" for the Performer Challenge.

Time does fly.

I saw someone post today wondering how 2000 was twenty years ago, and where two decades went. I have to say, I does feel like two decades went by, but being an adult for the last two decades, as opposed to being a child, mostly, for the two before, my perspective on that time distance has changed. Where the first twenty years of my life felt like I'll never get there, the last twenty have felt like I'm close to the end, and everything already passed me by.

Here's to the next twenty.

I suppose I should find a job. If anyone knows of one, hook me up.