I know I haven't posted a Weigh-In Wednesday in a while. As it happens, there hasn't been much to report on. My weight is staying steady in the 216-218 range, I guess depending on how much water I'm retaining. I'm trying a few new things - they will only show long term changes, so for now, it is what it is.
My clock ticked past 12:00 again yesterday. Another successful lap around the sun, at least, successful in terms of I'm still breathing, and living a decent quality of life. I can't even count the number of changes my life has seen over the past year. My weight obviously isn't one of them, but I will keep working on it.
But there is more to come. We're fighting some fears right now as we move into these new realms together. There's always fear, and uncertainty with major changes, but I am confident we will work hard, and work together to see them through, and see them succeed.
No matter what number is placed on my age some things simply don't change. I still examine my life, and myself with the most critical of eyes. I still wonder, when examining how others respond to me, how I am failing them, and I see my flaws at every turn. I still spiral into bouts of depression, and struggle to manage to motivate myself even under the crushing weight of the thoughts of all that I need to accomplish. That is probably my toughest balance: convincing my brain to stop thinking such horrible things about myself, while the anxiety of failure, and not accomplishing what I need to do fuels that spiral like a warm ocean fuels a hurricane.
It is destructive when it finally hits land.
She is my land. She is my rock. And I realize that I often damage her when all I really ever want to do is lift her up, show her all of the potential greatness the can be, and help her see herself in new ways.
And when I fail to do that, or fail to see that I have done that, the hurricane grows.
Is it odd that I can write about it, recognize it, know what is happening, but yet I cannot control it?
Perhaps this is why I still don't feel my age. Perhaps this is why I'm still stuck in that part of a mindset of my younger self. Still feeling like I'm learning, and growing, and have so little to offer. Or perhaps it is because when I do know I have something to offer; knowledge, expertise, experience - those parts of me are so often not valued, invalidated, and unappreciated by others.
Perhaps it is just because I feel that so much of me, for so long, and by so many people, has simply not felt wanted, or appreciated.
So this year is going to be a year of growth. I have major changes, and major projects directly ahead. Selling my house. Selling whatever I can that I own but don't need. Putting those monies toward other projects. Exciting projects. A new life.
I can't say things are just beginning. Everything has a beginning, and an end, and I've been at this for so very long now, so it all part of the continuum. But I am hopeful for what is in front of me, and in front of us.
In Other News
This just showed up on my time line on Facebook.
I love it when people go off on these "everyone should see things how I see them" rants, include a statement like, "Opinions are like Assholes," and obviously exempt their own generalized opinion from their own generalized opinion. Also, love the, "Getting offended is the new trend," quip, since she has obviously been offended by other peoples' views, hence the rant. And yes, these are all opinions.
Good morning, hypocrisy, come on in!
But, yeah, do vaccinate your kids. Please.