It is Tuesday at 10:46AM and I am starting my post for this week. Or, hopefully for this week. Who knows where my time, and writing will go? Yet, I can't believe it is only 10:46AM. It feels like I've been at my desk for 8 hours already.

The last few weeks have been extremely busy, and filled with directional changes that make time a bit tighter. Events always pile up over Memorial day through the middle of June. People know that is usually when the weather starts to break, although right now I think we can fire all the meteorologists, and just go on assuming every day it will probably rain. 

This past Sunday at the Red Party I saw some friends that I haven't seen in a while. They commented on how busy I seem all the time, and implied with that I must be doing well, in terms of finances, I assumed. In answering their questions about what I've been up to, a few things struck me, not as new realizations, but as reaffirmations, maybe. One, money doesn't mean a lot to me. It's nice to have. It makes life easier, but there are much more important things.  Two, of those important things, making the world a better place is one of them. The success of the endeavors of the people I love is another. Taking care of the people I love ranks above it. So although a lot of what I do is part of my own success, I don't measure that in financial gains. We don't need to be wealthy in order to be successful. At least I don't.

I just need to be loved, wanted, and respected.  I think that means a lot more to me. The fulfillment I find in what I do is my own. Judge me if you want, but that's how I see my life. I gain more happiness from knowing I'm being a good person, helping those who need it, and have the love, and admiration of those who are most important to me. 

Part of my internal conflict though is, I'm at odds with my own morality, and ethics, and the world I see around me.

I want to help. I care about people. I have to limit my efforts though because I realize that a good half of the people that exist in this world don't deserve a drop of sweat of my efforts, and are only looking at the world through money colored glasses. They'll never lift a finger to help someone who doesn't have a direct connection with them, and they can't even see the struggle, and suffering many people go through. As long as the "economy" is doing ok, they thing their world is all right, even if they're not technically doing ok. This is the mindset some people live in.  If they feel they're ok, nuts to the rest of you. Pull yourselves up by your own bootstraps! They ignore the uneven playing field we all participate on, and the seem to feel entitled to rights, and resources they feel should only be their's to own, and no one else's. Meanwhile, statistic's show they are more likely to be making use to government programs, and entitlements that bolster their own bootstraps while they want to deny everyone else the same.

That's why I support activities like Pride, the Red Party, and other organizations, and events that work toward helping those who don't have what they need right now. Those are the people that are least likely to say, "What about me?!?!" and rather would take some temporary help, to build a sustainable life in the future.

Another part of my conflict is always feeling like I'm not a first choice. I'm not who people want, I'm just what they settle for. That's my own issue I guess, but it's a mindset created both by my realities, and how I've allowed people to treat me over time. It's a struggle, but it's something I need validation from others in order to get past. Like so many of my own mental, and emotional issues, I recognize it. I know where it comes from. I can be honest about it with myself. I know what I want. But something in my brain doesn't allow me to sort it out for myself, which is probably another reason I put so much of my energy into helping other people. Their happiness, and their gratitude is big part of that validation. Knowing I can make positive differences, even small ones, is part of that validation.

I grew up like most people, being pretty ignorant of myself; unable to truly, and honestly look inward. I only looked outward. I saw the behaviors of others, and thought everyone else was crazy, and that wasn't me.

Age, and wisdom...  I know that's me. I understand where my shortcomings are. I get it that sometimes I'm not quite as well put together as I once believed I was. I work on it, daily. Some of it though is just really difficult to fix. 

The Meaning(Lessness) of Social Media

So here is the meaning: My work gets out to a whole lot of people I don't know.

For example, I just posted a thank you graphic for reaching 1800 Facebook Page likes. Yeah, all those page likes, and $1.90 will get me a regular black coffee at Timmy's. 

But on the other side, in the following three weeks between Pride Parade, and Dog Days of Kenmore, I'm now up to 1892 likes. Only 8 away from my next 100 milestone, which means, hopefully, I brought a little more joy to people with memories of the event, or just a whole lot of puppy photos, and I feel good about that.

So it isn't all meaningless. I'll keep trying to increase that number, keep my fingers crossed that Facebook's algorithms let people actually see my stuff, and, again, hopefully bring more joy to the world.

This weekend I have more events, and more puppies. Spread the JOY! 

Yelp

A place that I have spread the joy for almost 7 years now is with the local Yelp Buffalo community. Living In The Buff is on YELP!  Yeah, really, we are. Click the link. If you've worked with me before, give me a review. I'm surprised so few Yelpers in the local community have review my services. 

It's Wednesday Now

The weigh in was a happy 210.0 this morning. Somehow, I think that's a lie, so I don't feel great about it. We'll use next Wednesday as a control measurement, but the scale was pretty insistent on that number this morning.

Just A Reminder

For those who need to hear it - the nicest people generally get a lot more hardship thrown into their lives. It is one of the things that makes them the nicest people.

They know what it's like to struggle. They've fought battles, and those battles have built their uncompromising character. They have empathy for the struggles of others because they've struggled, and don't want to see others struggling. They have big hearts, and tend to be extremely generous because in the end everything they've fought through teaches them the most important things aren't money, or material possessions, but love, and seeing those they love live fulfilling lives. They understand true morality isn't found in a book of fables, but in the way you treat someone who can do nothing for you in return.

This concluded my text based, non graphical internet inspirational meme.

Something For Everyone

I try to make my blog pretty inclusive of topics, but I am only one person.,  can only cover so much, and my brain doesn't work in every single direction. If there is something I have never discussed here, that you would like to see discussed, please let me know.

Movie Fun, Again (But Not a Fun Character)

Talk about extending for a role. Spring of 2018 I played the male lead in a student fill for Daina Richards at Buff State. I was a cop (shocker) confronting his daughter for having the nerve to get herself raped, and actually to the police about it. My fragile ego, and fear of embarrassment down at the station sent me on a horrific tirade, accusing my daughter, and her friend for the entire situation being all their fault. ( I even had to slap her at the end. Egad! ) A complete departure from who I am as a person, this role, and the few hours of shooting in a cold, vacant house in Niagara Falls, emotionally exhausted me. But as you can tell, the story was set in the 1970s when the whole world apparently still thought feminism was evil, and rape was entirely on women to either prevent, or accept. 

Not that this has changed drastically in our society, but at least those attitudes have improved everywhere except within the conservative christian right.

Here are some screen captures from my award winning (well, not yet, but it should be) performance. I know Daina put it out there into some festivals. I haven't heard if it did well, or not. All I know is, I can play a pretty good abusive, close-minded, insensitive jerk, even if I'm not one .