Again, they refuse – not denying that I’m going to miss my connection. They know now I won’t be on that flight. No chance. None. But now it’s too late in the day and there are no options.
I sigh a long sigh and stand frustrated waiting for the boarding to actually begin.
Stephen looked up at her, unsure of what to do next. She was still topless. Her wet, brown hair cascaded down her shoulders, framing her round cheeks, and green eyes. She smiled at him, as their eyes locked. Her smile dimples triggered his nostalgia. The droplets of water rolling down her brown skin, onto her bare breasts triggered his body.
The experiences of our past shape who we are. They often help us determine our course of action in the future. Although we can't let bad experiences fill us with fear, preventing us from creating good, positive experiences in the future, we would be fools to not mind the lessons we've learned.
In relationships, we need to be able to approach new people, and new opportunities with an open heart. When we find that person that we truly want to be with, and who wants to be with us, we should be able to put down our defenses, and be vulnerable. We can relax in an openness of self, willing to give from our core energy, and open to accepting what they give. Past misgivings from other relationships need to be dealt with on an emotional level. The hurt given to us through life, whether it be with other interpersonal relationships, damage done by strangers, or just the inevitabilities, or random events that cause us pain, and grief, need to be dealt with on an emotional level so that we can come to terms with that hurt, end our grieving, and accept the good things that are ahead of us.
However, red flags are red flags. If that special someone starts exhibiting concerning behavior, it shouldn't go ignored. Frank, and direct conversations about it, expressing concerns, and the feelings generated by their behavior should be initiated long before those behaviors do damage. From there you will get a sense of how your partner wants to deal with it.
Do they listen to your concerns? Do they get defensive? Do they try to turn it back on you, or do they engage in a dialogue while accepting their own responsibility to your feelings? Do they apologize curtly, and try to end, or steer the discussion elsewhere? Do they continue to exhibit the same behavior afterward?
Take notes. I know that sounds formal, but keep a journal or a diary. Don't just rely on your memory, which might be clouded by emotions while engaging in such conversations. Keep notes in case you need to look back, and remind yourself how things happened, what was said, how it transpired. It will help keep you from feeling crazy if your partner is trying to gaslight you, or manipulate you.
But, you have to deal with you first. Take some long, hard, critical looks at your past. FEEL the feelings, and emotions tied up within your experiences. Get professional counseling if you think you can't resolve those past feelings. Trust me, talking out all of the jumbles of thoughts, and feelings that can sometimes overwhelm is vital, and helpful.
Most importantly, don't assume the worst of a person just because things can sometimes be difficult, or even more, just because your past has been difficult. Talk it out. Talk it out. Talk it out. Be open, be honest, especially with yourself. If your partner can't handle your honesty, your feelings, or what you want from your relationship, they're probably not the right one for you...
God showed these to me. I know, that's a pretty strange statement for an atheist, but it's this god, not YOUR god...
Anyway, after this week, these are so close to the truth, they literally hurt for me to read. Major props to Holly Chisholm for being able to illustrate just how things often feel...
Four years ago, January, I bought a bottle of Johnnie Walker. A splurge at the time, because financially things weren't well. But I felt I needed something to help me... help me relax. Help me deal with anxiety. Help me unwind where there was no where, and no one, in my life to help with that.
I just finished that bottle.
Perhaps I need to unwind more... but I'd rather do it sober.
Write drunk, edit sober.
Let the writing begin.
My Facebook Timeline is constantly filled with some of the most ridiculous, and dumbest things that people decided to share.
I only see it because they're my friends on Facebook, so I see what they share.
However, those same friends rarely, if ever, share my creative work, art, photography, or the work I do for others.
So, there's that.... right?
Everyone who finds it, finds it in their own way. Everyone who expresses it, expresses it in their own way. But you don’t find it until open your heart, and open your mind, and allow your energy to guide you without allowing those social expectations, and preconceived notions of what life is, and what life should be get in the way.
It's a sad day when I can't even come up with a decent title for a blog entry. No clever word play. No playful word cleverness. Just bland.
I think once things settle from the movie production I'm going to lock myself in my house for about four days, and write. A screenplay. A novel. Something. What are the stories that last throughout the ages? The struggles of a common man against great adversity? An eternal love spun from the horrors of the violence of humanity? Abstract looks at modern life, love, and the challenges represented by coping with our humanity? Cannibals? Ancient Composers? Marathon Runners? Gladiators!
I guess the point I'm trying to make is comedies, and sci-fi never really win best picture, and comparatively sell fewer books. 50 Shades of Gray has sold 125-million copies of four installments, and it is complete crap. Likewise, Twilight has also sold 120-million in five installments. Star Wars, one of the world's most popular franchises, has had over 300 installments, by various authors, and sources, and collectively has sold 150-million. 50 Shades of Grey which is probably on an even par with trashy paper-back Romance novels ("...her breath quickened as Duke Remington thrust his purple-headed solider into her moist, yet trembling apple pie of love.") except less creative, and poorly written, yet out-sells what is now a Disney franchise by a generously conservative 6:1 ratio per installment. Meanwhile, Star Wars also lost out on Best Picture to the story of an amateur boxer given a once-in-a-lifetime shot at the title, and thustly, was pummeled mercilessly.
So where do I start? A half-baked romance involving a billionaire predator trying to get a college student to be his sex slave? A fake documentary about a woman fighting against social injustices highlighting the socio-political, and religious shortcomings of modern society? I certainly can't write a sci-fi about the intergalactic socio-political struggles of a young man following an ancient religion. Or, the story of a stand-up comedian who just isn't funny. Not if I want it to actually work, and be recognized as a good bit of writing.
Ideas?
Suggestions?
She said I’m wrong
I said I’m right
She said things are black and white
I said all things can be colored by perspective
She said I have a type
I said my type is people who can love
She said I love too easily
I said love shouldn’t be so hard
Sitting on a flight to Chicago. Flying United is like flying on a school bus…
Waiting for my originating flight in Montreal was a bit odd. There was no non-stop and at every gate CNN feed. Instead they had on a Canadian new feed that was mostly in French. I don’t speak French, at all… yet somehow it was still more informative than CNN.
Someone who will remain nameless… let’s just call him douchebag… asked again tonight if I could meet him in Chicago at 9:00PM when my flight takes off from DC at 9:58PM… logistics are so difficult for him.
It should be an interesting night… and tomorrow. Getting into Chicago late tonight and needing to be up early tomorrow for training. I feel like tomorrow is going to be a day of scrutiny against me… just the way things have been going for me lately. I feel like they’re looking for a reason… any reason, to shove me out the door from this contract. I’m still trying to solve the reason why. I have my suspicions, but I’ll keep them to myself.
Still, I think it’s funny. From the side of the contract I’m on, no one on the team has been doing this longer, or better, in my opinion.
The local sales rep commented, “I can’t believe how quickly and how well this whole project came together this week with no prior IT planning…”
“Well, they sent you the best they had…” was my only response.
And I sincerely believe that. Ok, that might sound a bit conceited, but those that know me know I am anything but. I will be the first person to be disappointed in myself. I have the highest expectations for me and falling anywhere short of those expectations is devastating to me. I have to do better.
But in this case, I am the best they have.
The attitude they’ve taken towards me lately has been more than discouraging in what has already been a very one-sided relationship.
Story of my life, I think.
Now to solve that problem. I don’t know if it will happen tomorrow, or Friday… but it will happen.
I’m set to embark on the next phase.
But the first couple days of this trip were pretty awesome. Montreal, a city I have always wanted to visit but have never done so. I need to make it a more frequent spot to go. Besides Melbourne and Sydney, this was by far the best place I’ve been. I think it’s the European flair and flavor that gets me. The narrow, cobblestone streets. The turn of the century architecture. The language… the people… the fashion… it was all so captivating to me. So much different than the little snow-globe world I grew up and have lived in my whole life in upstate New York.
Now granted growing up only a 15 minute drive from the Canadian boarder, the culture in Buffalo is at least a little more aware of Canada – the differences, the similarities… where it is on a map. Much more aware than the average area in middle-America at least. But the culture in Buffalo is still so much American. Rigid, self-centered, conservative…
Much different than what I have found the places I’ve visited and spent time in further north to be.
And I had a great time with the local rep for the vendor. Someone who actually said, “Hey, your first time in town, let me show you around.” Usually they want little to do with the contractors after the day is done. We went to a restaurant in old Montreal, spoke to beautiful women, watched a Canadiens’ game, had excellent wine. He taught me a little French and I taught him what a Jagerbomb was.
I actually had a really good time.
I was a bit worried about working with the guy after he asked me for the fifth time if I could fly in on Monday night, and I had to answer that Tuesday morning was the best I could offer, yet again. He seemed uptight about the job. I assured him we would be fine with one and a half days to finish what needed to be done. And, of course, we were. He was much more relaxed after the first day when he saw how quickly I could go through what needed to be done.
I’m pushing to get more jobs up there. With more notice and no trip to Chicago right afterwards, it’s a drive, not a flight. I can deal with that.
But I have to sort the issues at hand and get the jobs.
Ahhh… as Joe Walsh has sang, “Lucky I’m sane after all I’ve been through…”
Yeah, for the most part, life’s been good to me so far…
Ironic that I feel I can say that right now… it really is.
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November 20, 2008