Tag: truth

To Never Be

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

December 2009

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Speaking as a matter of fact
He presses hard against his chest
Feeling the heart that beats within
Slowing to a pace more normal for him
“This change has come about,” he states,
“and I realize it combines our fates.
But less we hasten to a conclusion,
For together we can find a solution.”

He could do nothing as she parted
The unwinding of his threads had started
Without his knowing, just a hint
Although he knew it was merely a stint
Not life renown to be his own
Only a step for her as he were a stone
A support; a crutch to a future more great
And deep in his heart he knew this was fate

With fond memories of what never would be
And a thought of what she couldn’t see
He stood with a tear rolling down his cheek
And wondering how he could be so meek
To let all of this slip away

But then he remembered…

The memory returned…

And he recalled that fateful day
Many years before they had met
A day no others would remember, I bet
The day he learned of this awful fact
Given in a lesson lacking of tact:

Unlovable,
Unwanted,
And easily forgotten

“Oh yeah,” he thought, “I guess I should let you go.
There is no way I could keep a girl like you
Such beauty; an angel on Earth you see
And me, just a dog groveling to be
Something more special to someone, a dream
But this, us, this thing was never meant to be.
I wonder what you ever did see in me.
Something more than a forgettable wretch,
Forgettable and meaningless wouldn't be a stretch.
A provider perhaps, someone to care
When you were in a worse place than here
But now you’re on your way to better things
And I would only dampen your wings
So we will move on and you’ll be on your way
But, honestly, if I have to see you every day
I’ll probably go crazy, too crazy to discuss
Because my heart will never give up on us.”

So soon the June has faded away
To a winter with skies of icy cold gray
Summer gives way to the cold with haste
After days were whiled away to waste
In the long grasses of fields so warm
Too calm to imagine the coming storm
And while there we dreamt of better days
Our best days past along the way
Spent fruitlessly dreaming instead of becoming
Content to listen to the low, distant humming
Of promises made by lips so sweet
Only to see those promise retreat
Leaving hearts bleeding in love’s distress
But… then again, I digress…

For this is not about love or hearts
But life itself and the sum of its parts
And how we spend our time in this life
Loving and laughing, or disaster and strife
To appreciate that which blesses our days
To embrace those who help along our way…

…and I’ve tried to rhyme days with way twice, now
Which is strange if you consider how
They don’t really rhyme when one is singular
The plural is misplaced and, what rhymes with singular?
I can sigh over the trouble I have when
I’m deep in thought and the words don’t come, then
I lose my place, so distracted by
Everything swirling around inside
My mind feeling tormented by thoughts so heavy
What rhymes with heavy? Bevy? Levee? Chevy?

This is becoming more pointless as I write
Rather typical for most poems I keep out of sight
And don’t care to share, not even once
With anyone, for they’d think I was dunce
To write something so shoddy, a horrible prose
So keeping them to myself is what I have chose

Now, where was I? Oh yes! How we spend our days
And spend them so carelessly in such wasteful ways
Considering not that which improves our world
But looking forward toward a halo curled
And worrying over this and that
Or if Jennifer and Brad had another spat
And so many things that don’t at all affect us
Or things simply not worthy of any fuss
Meanwhile, hearts that can give so much
Nary considered for their loving touch
Here and now there is so much to treasure
Yet, we miss so much, and not even for pleasure
Or enjoyment of the people and for the passion
That can fill our lives without any ration
If we can only open our hearts, eyes and minds
And give our love willingly to all that we find
No judgment based only on what we see…

…yet another wasteful dream, toward a world that will never be…

We’re Being Watched

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

...aliens are tracking us. Not all of us, but a significant number of us. Abductions happen, and just as we tag animals in the wild to study their lives, aliens are tagging us too.

See these people with all the piercings in their ears, face, lips, and/or nose? Some of those are actually alien transmitters with which they study the person's movements. They have the technology to create false memories and make the person believe THEY chose to get their ear pierced again... they enjoy having all of these piercings... they experienced going to the "Piercing Pagoda" at the mall or "Old Stinky's Tattoo, Piercing and Botulism Emporium" and got this done.

Meanwhile, the aliens are watching... always watching...

Incompletely

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

Originally written September 6, 2010

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Paper lies cover tight
Unfolded skin
Taken light
Where gaping wounds cry
Lacking eyes for sight
Crying from their vein
Begging to hear your voice
Speak my name
To see the echoes
Gather in crowds
Inside my brain
Sweating, seething
Crazy or sane

You can feel the past
And recreate it

It’s just never the same

Incomplete and broken
Where you once stood
Your love my only token
Giving rise to this flood
This emotion, hope and love
We give in to sheltered dreams
Happily ever-after scripts
Played out on our own silver screens
Fortune for the few
Fame for even less
More of us live askew
Dreaming of false success

But we all have hope
To make each day new
A chance
A ray of light
That brings our dreams into view

While sins we fail to fear
Consequences?
I’m well aware
Revealed when the voice that said
They are more than just words read
From a book of stories told
Fables falling from the fold
The icy waters that rush over stones
Washing the sins that stain the bones
Left by the choices of days past
In hiding places unable to last

And it was here when the voice
The voice said to me
“These memories you hold
Won’t set you free,
And the bodies in your basement,
You must let them be.
Piles of silver, galleons of gold,
And creature comforts,
Truth be told,
Won’t fill your heart
As you grow old
Your world will grow cold
And then, where will you be?
This life is the one,
The only one you’ll get.
Will you live it in full,
Or die in regret?
If you want to live it
In your own human way
Then lift up your roots
And enjoy every day
Break free from what binds you
And seek distant lands
Never look behind you
At the fallen sands,
Live your life true
And life will reward you!”

Words so irresistible
I had never heard
From voices more tangible
Or the echoes they stirred
But this stranger’s voice
Deep in the dark of my head
Left me no choice
When I heard the words that it said

I listened deep
And I took it to heart
Not in wake nor in sleep
But where should I start?
To embrace this life
This proposal so sweet
Would end all the strife
And sweep me off my feet
It would close a chapter
Leaving the past behind
And bury another body
In the basement of my mind

What is there to lose?
I pondered over and over again
Life will always change and move
No matter when or where I begin

So it all starts here
With a decision
And worry
And hope
Set the wheels in motion
Something a little more reasonable
Break away the corrosion
And get to something more feasible
Close my eyes and take a step
Feel the oceans hidden depth
Feel the clouds move again
Feel the rain that they send
Feel the Earth move at my feet
Feel the Sun’s eternal heat
Feel the Moon and the gravity
Feel destruction without calamity
Feel what I feel when I feel
And I feel this wound finally heal

Insomnia

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

Sometimes the tired mind gets to a place it couldn't go when rested. Thoughts flow, and words from them. Ideas begin to set in and discoveries are made....

This is from October 16, 2007. My birthday. It was a turbulent time in my life when everything seemed upside-down.

Except for one glimmer of hope.

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I slept horrible last night. Or perhaps better stated, I didn’t sleep horrible last night. Knowing I had an early morning to get into work, and the hell of a commute in New York City facing me to start, I tossed and turned just waiting for my wake-up call.

I suppose it didn’t help that my mind was running circles around the same issues it has been running circles around for quite some time now. What should I do? All these daunting tasks; the mountains that stand in my way, the raging rivers I must cross to reach what I want.

It is a metaphor I’ve used before… like trying to swim across a raging river; knowing what I’m leaving behind on one shore, unsure if I am strong enough to make it to the other.

The man who would play it safe would just live in contentment in the safety of the shore he was already standing on. Why dive into swirling torrents full of danger? What is so bad about quiet contentment, even if it isn’t exactly what makes you happy?

But as time has gone on, it’s not so much I can’t bear to stand on the shore anymore, but the river is rising. My room on this shore is eroding into the swift currents; I can’t stand by and let it sweep me under into a quiet despair and drown me. No, it’s sink or swim now.

I have to swim.

Not only do I have to swim, I have to realize there is so little for me on this shore it is time to throw myself to the swelling white-capped rapids before me. The rocks are sharp and jagged, the waters full of undertows. I can almost feel the mist of the waterfalls in the distance mocking me and calling me to fail as it chills my skin.

Sink, or swim?

Or simply succumb to the inevitable?

I must swim.

And what lies on the other shore? What is my guarantee that it is any better on that side of the river? Perhaps the murky waters have already eaten away too much of that shore I’m only swimming towards nothing, no future, no happiness. Nothing but the slow drowning death I’m already trying to avoid.

Still,it’s a risk I have to take.

Through risk, we grow. Through risk, we fail or succeed.

Only through taking risks can we achieve what we want in life. No one said life would be easy. The easy way is to stand on the shore and deny it dissolving under your feet. To keep backing up… regressing… avoiding the future and trying to hide in the comforts of the past.

That has never been my way of doing things. It is a risk I must take.

So if this is the end of who I am, so be it. I’ll shed off the clothes I once wore and dive head first into the cold, sucking river before me. I’ll swim as hard and fast as I can, on my own.

I will reach the other shore, on my own.

Or, I’ll drown. But at least I’ll know I wasn’t afraid to take the risk and try to live my life to the fullest.

------------------------------------------

After writing this, and settling into my day, I received the following birthday greeting:

This day, is my new favorite day.

This day, brought so many other days that now, spark joy and breathe onto the flames of my happiness, desire, creativity, and bring a deep breath of life.

What an amazing twist of life, yarn and strands of what...fate? whatever it is...it twists and turns down paths neither of us can understand, yet here we are. And we collapse, we fall to the ground laughing because this is the perfect friendship.

So today, because this is the day that it all began before I even knew, I will dance. All day I will dance and sing, I will kiss the sky, stomp my feet. Beat a rhythm into the ground with my happiness and my small corner of the world will know how I feel.

I wish you the greatest, I wish only that you know the happiness that I do. The warmth that fuels you, brings a smile to your face as it has to mine, will be my first gift.

The first gift of many.

Perhaps the most positive, loving message I had ever received on my birthday....