If you know me personally, or if you have read through my blog, you know that I love to travel and spent over three years moving about the continent on a weekly basis as part of a contract that I was working on. When I started that contract in February of 2006, traveling was foreign to me. Although I knew I wanted to travel and see other places, I never really had traveled significantly, so to be thrown into daily jetting from city to city was a bit overwhelming at first.
Here is how it started: I would fly to a new city, get my rental car, check into my hotel room, eat breakfast at the hotel, work at a hospital for 12-14 hours, get take-out or stop at a known restaurant (usually a chain) and then hide in my hotel room until the next morning when I would do that again.
I traveled alone to these jobs, worked alone, spent most of my time alone - so I needed to learn how to be self-sufficient. I needed to figure out where to go, how to navigate new places, get to know the culture a bit, and then go to a new city and start all over.
I did that for months, and aside from the rare exception when I would have a traveling companion to work with, I had to learn really quickly how to deal with being by myself and surrounded by strangers. It led to a lot of self-reflection, self-discovery and a deep examination of social interaction, social expectations and what they all really mean.
After about six months it occurred to me that I was missing out on a lot of great experiences by allowing myself to hide away while traveling alone. Sitting alone at a corner table in a restaurant reading a book and avoiding eye contact isn't much fun, or very enlightening. It took a little convincing, but along with other major changes that were beginning to take place in my life I decided it was time to break out of that comfort zone of isolation.
My first step was putting some of my observations to work and to my advantage. The first observation: people drinking alcoholic beverages tend to love meeting strangers. And since I was a stranger to everyone I set out to put myself in the middle of the action. What better places to do this than at local - not chain - restaurants and pubs? I started asking multiple people in the places where I was working, where are the hot-spots in town? Not the party clubs or night clubs, but the pub where everyone goes for good food and good drinks. The watering-holes, the corner pubs, or those small, intimate niche restaurants and bars.
When walking into such an establishment, the host or hostess would ask, "Can I help you?" and I would ask in return, "Can I order food if I sit at the bar?" Some places don't allow that, so it always good to ask. If the answer was positive, to the bar I would go. Next step: don't sit at the bar where no one else is sitting. Yeah, I know the social norm is to leave the "safety seat" as a personal space cushion unless the bar is packed, but you're not going to meet anyone sitting six bar stools away from the nearest patron. The next question is who do you sit next to? A good option is finding the person who also appears to be alone. Chances are they will welcome some conversation. Another good choice is anyone who is also eating at the bar. You're there for the same reason; natural conversation starters are there for the taking.
"Hey, it's my first time here - can you recommend something on the menu? By the way, I'm Paul - just in town working at (name of where you're working) for a few days. Nice to meet you."
And remember, everyone warms up quickly to, "What are you drinking? Let me get a round for you."
You're not buying for the whole bar, just the person you happen to be getting to know, so drop a few bucks on them. If the drinks are flowing, so is the conversation.
If the place is quiet, as you might find on a Monday night in June, give the bartender the same treatment. Introduce yourself and then treat them like you already know and like them. Same conversation applies, and even if they can't drink while working, they always appreciate the offer.
I met a lot of interesting people doing this, in cities all over the United States, and Canada. The experience I had in Australia were incredible, perhaps once in a lifetime experiences. Without being bold, I might have missed out on those.
Another frequent obstacle was finding meals in airports. Airline travel can quickly become a drag when you're spending time in the lock-down prisons that our airports have become. You pretty much cannot escape chain restaurants in major airports so the best you can do is find that rare one where you can be seated and served at your table. The "cafeteria" type food-courts and kiosk type restaurants abound, but who wants to carry their food around while dragging luggage, or sit in an uncomfortable chair at a departure gate eating from their lap? No thanks. Odds are TSA has already made you feel less than human; give yourself a chance to let someone else take care of those things.
However, the major problem becomes getting a table at such a place. Especially in hub airports with heavy traffic. Space becomes limited in a hurry, and these restaurants are almost always "seat yourself" kind of places, so finding a table is often a challenge that requires time and patience if you want to wait - or bold action and a partial disregard for social expectations.
After a while, I got tired of waiting for tables to open up. Once people get a table, they tend to stay there until it is time for their flight. Honestly, who wants to sit at a gate when you can sit, eat, drink and watch something other than CNN at a restaurant? And since so many flights all take off around the same time frame, by the time a table became available it was often time for me to go to my next flight as well. At which point, I was either skipping a meal entirely or eating from a kiosk.
Both options were very unsatisfactory.
And you can see those taking option #1. Wandering, looking sad yet hopeful that a table will open. Or leaning on a wall, reading a newspaper and glancing up every ten seconds to see if anyone is making a movement that looks like they're leaving their table. The pouncing will then ensue, but often by multiple people at once, creating a tense and awkward situation.
The thing about breaking past social expectations is, you have to do it with confidence. If you're meek, people will put you right back into that bubble. If you do it boldly and leave them with no doubt that then need to accept your actions no matter how uncomfortable it might make them at first in most cases they won't even try to stop you. So as I walked into one of these restaurants, past the people waiting by the wall, I would scan and find an option - and there is always at least one. That business traveler, sitting alone at a table for four. Or similarly, two people sitting at a table for four or more. Plenty of room for another person, or more, but no one dares approach them because it's just not how it's done.
So I would walk up to their table, and ask as I pull out a chair and park my bags, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here? Mind if I join you?" and as the words, "join you," leave my lips my butt was already in the chair and I was signaling the server to bring me a menu - and hopefully a margarita.
I never found a time where the person was terribly offended or inconvenienced, but a few times they did excuse themselves shortly to go to their gate. Maybe they were put off, maybe they really did have a plane to catch. Regardless, I had a table and a drink, so that wasn't entirely my concern.
My concern then became that I was sitting alone at a table that could fit more people, so I would invite someone waiting for a table to join me.
There's always friends to be made, even in the most awkward of situations.
And those situations also produced some great stories.
I'll tell a few stories in a future entry. I would like to leave this one off with a humorous story from one of my favorite authors, Douglas Adams.
Remember, be confident. Social expectations, at least those that do not infringe upon the rights of others, are often silly limitations to what we can accomplish. Never be afraid to break out of your own comfort zone and often in turn you will break others out of their comfort zones as well.
Thanks for reading!