Tag: life

And Nothing More

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

I

In his declaration, he astounds
His good intentions, in sucking grounds
Sinking in the depths of watery Earth
A muddy place of death and mirth
As bystanders watch amused
Nothing more.
Bleeding.
Bruised.

And nothing more.

Nothing more.

Trapped by roots, in a sullen town
Too broken for making speech or sound
Trapped between sky and ground
Not a heaven and hell
Just soles and crown
The hard trodden roads
Under street lights shining down

While the rest of life drowns

Heartless life made muddy brown
A soul left lost.
Tied.
Bound.

Weathered.
Tethered.

And there
His report was found

II

He had waited for his day of knowing
A day to reap all he had been sowing

His day for solace and understanding
Nothing special he was demanding
Just answers to his questions
And the fruits of his intentions
To the satisfaction
Of his innate curiosity

And nothing more.

Nothing more.

The why
Especially the why
There was never an answer to the why
And it haunted him
Lurching a black cloud above
On the sunny days
And times of love
Weeping tears and pain
Cold and drowning in this rain
Rolling down his creasing brow
Nothing that he can change now

He felt older
Older, not wiser
And left behind
With the broken arrows
Beneath the targets he could not pierce
Each one begging the question

Why?

III

Wistful scrawling
On the wall
Ceiling, floor and down the hall
Symbols, words and statements made
Begging for a barter trade
To make them real once again
Bring them to life was his plan
No breath, no sigh, no blood in vein
No beating heart, no thinking brain

Broken
Beaten
Spirit buried

No more this life
Would make him harried

Left with words and nothing more

And nothing more.

Nothing more.

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Originally written May 27, 2011

Thinking thoughts

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

More random musings, from a tired mind. This, from December 19, 2010.

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I mentioned it before; there are these ebbs and flows to life. An elliptical orbit around a center point of consistency.

If not consistency, at least a normal, unshakable, virtually unchangeable… something.

Sometimes the orbit takes you further from that center, but eventually, and sometimes too quickly, the ellipse is complete and you’re right back to where you started. Almost like a gravitational sling-shot – the harder you pull to escape that tug, the faster it snaps you right back into the orbit of patterns. Patterns of similar troubles, similar situations, similar feelings – and all too often, we try and solve them, to break the orbit, using the same solutions that never worked to begin with.

The problem becomes, as simple animals, we forget. Time erases or at least blurs the memory of the emotional scars. Or, we do a great job in getting past them and move on from those scars only to find we’re opening them back up without even knowing it.

Self-reflection is a good thing but it can only take you so far.

We attempt to make changes; to grab a new path, to find a new center, yet somehow we come right back to where we once were. Sometimes we try new solutions only to discover they were really the same old solutions, we just didn’t realize it.

How do we escape it?

What is the solution?

How do we grow as people, change for the better, become who we want and find happiness?

I wish I knew.

..how things change.

With a change in perspective comes so many other changes. What we will dedicate our time to, the things we want, the things we enjoy, our goals, our appreciations. Even who we relate to and how we relate to others.

Like the wind from a butterfly's wings and all that other string theory crap.

Sometimes I just have to sit back in amazement just to observe... then move on with life and wonder if that orbit was indeed broken, or if it will simply come back full circle again.

Car Troubles in Kentucky

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

This one, from February 12, 2009. A strange tale to offer some perspective on the issues I used to face when traveling.

This was one of the more unusual ones.

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So, here is a good one.

Just when I thought Kentucky couldn’t get worse…

..on the advice of the vendor reps I am working with, they recommended staying at the Seelbach hotel – a 100 year old, legendary hotel in down town Louisville. A lot of history, now owned by Hilton and refurbished... a really neat place.

I have to say the hotel itself is amazing. A lot of old character and charm… comfortable just like any other Hilton. Good restaurants and bars inside.

But the oddest thing happened tonight.

The reps suggested I valet my car. The difference between self-parking and valet is only $4 and valet is so much easier. All good by me. I returned to the hotel around 7PM tonight and told valet I would be back in about an hour to grab the car to go out to dinner. They said, no problem, they’ll just leave it up front for me and ready for my return.

Cool.

So around 8PM I went downstairs and there was my car right where I parked it. Fantastic. I approach the valet stand and ask the obviously nervous and scrambling attendant for the key to my car.

“Oh, you have the silver Nissan?” he asks.

“Yeah, I think it’s number 302 or something… the valet this morning wouldn’t give me my claim receipt so…”

He cuts me off… nervous and panicky.

“We have a problem, well, not our fault, really, but, it’s a serious problem…” he said rapidly.

“Ohhh k.. what’s the problem?”

“Well *ahem* this has never happened before… we’re really sorry... but… apparently someone broke into our valet box as stole the key for your car.”

Me *dumbfounded*.

“Uhhhhh.. ok? So… ?”

“Well, they took keys to about six cars... all we had in there. Yours is one of them.. and the other two next to yours. The van has been clicking like someone has been hitting the buttons so the police are hiding across the street watching all the cars. Your car won’t go anywhere without them seeing so that isn’t a problem… but... do you need your car?”

At this point… what would you say?

I have nothing of value in the car… and it’s a rental… so… whatever. This is more of an inconvenience than anything. But… wow.

The guy couldn’t be more apologetic or accommodating. He paid for a taxi to take me to dinner, and back. But, seriously, how does a reputable, high-end hotel in the middle of a busy downtown market district allow this to happen?

Seriously.

This was a first for me.

I returned to the hotel after dinner and was met by the hotel manager and a locksmith. They explained where they were – since it was a rental they couldn’t just go to Nissan and get a new fob keyed, they had to go through Avis. They asked me for my contract, which of course was locked in the car. No worries – I called Avis first and went around the phone call transfer circuit to get to someone who could handle this. He suggested there might be a spare fob in the spare tire well, or call the airport maintenance tomorrow and the might have one. Odds are, neither are the case since the car has tags from another area.

The hotel head honcho - he too was apologetic and after the locksmith broke into the car to see if we could locate the spare fob in the trunk he dove right into the back seat to dig into the trunk and find that fob. Pretty spry for his age.

No luck. The car still sits in front of the hotel.

They have all been very attentive to the situation... but…

Does it ever get more strange than Kentucky?

Part two…

Had to put some time into working this out with Avis this morning. Of course at 8AM none of the hotel management was in yet and the lackey running the valet desk was up to his ass in pissed off people demanding their cars. I had more luck dealing with the locksmith who had returned with keys for another person’s car and was checking on replacing the fob for mine.

Avis agreed to just replace the car and were bringing a new one on a flat-bed, which they would then haul out the Nissan on.

Unfortunate – I really like the Nissan. Now I’ll probably get a 1972 Pinto…

But that will wait until I return to the hotel. There is still work to be done. The locksmith was kind enough to give me a ride to the hospital – which is only about 8 blocks from the hotel. Still, on a cold morning that is more than appreciated.

I’ll deal with the rest tonight…

Stone Ground

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

Lying on a bed of slate and stone
Spirit empty, for love unknown
Broken hearts mend slower than bone
Flesh stings from wounds not sewn
Body lacking both hearth and home

Something... Rome? Nome? Garden Gnome?

...and shit, now I've got nothing.

Sometimes my poems happen that way. I have such grandiose plans to make them something special, something emotionally challenging and stirring. Something that will take the reader's breath away. Then I lose my train of thought, and get lost in the words of others usually. It's different now than in the days when I would focus on music I can feel, the mind blanking white noise of jet engines and the body numbing release of drinking until I had my fill.

And here these words sit. Idle. Not moving. Not moving anything or anyone.

Maybe they should sit on their own. Maybe they need some accompaniment.

A photo? More verses? A quote that can give them balance?

If this was a piece of paper I would probably just spill some coffee on it for character...

Oh, and in case you missed it "Ground" in the title is a verb, past-tense. Not a noun.

Just clarifying.

Regarding The Couple At The Table In The Corner

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

She folded a white linen napkin over her arm
And stalked away to find her friend
Her service is prompt and courteous
Attentive to every whim and every ask
But this afternoon with blushing cheeks
And a Cheshire grin
Eyebrows arched over squinting eyes
As she held back the laughter, boiling over
That she wanted to release with bellows
Unabashed and joyous

Her friend returned with his water pitchers
To refill and make another round
When she stopped him with a gesture to come closer
To a whisper's distance
As she muffled her words behind laughter

The couple at the table in the corner
Was the focus of her concern
There was an energy around them, she claimed
A glow as visible as golden sunlight in an azure sky
Their eyes are locked in focus on only each other
And although they are seated with their menus
Opened on the table before them,
Their meal doesn't seem to be a concern at all

She couldn't help but smile, it seemed
When she saw the smiles they had for each other
So how could she, in this moment so pure
Disturb them enough to do her job?

Again, she paused not understanding this sudden
Happiness that was washing over her
The tedium of another day of serving tables
Carrying trays, with aching muscles and a weary mind
And here in this moment, it had all washed away

She glanced around the restaurant at the tables high and low
Business men sat sipping amber drinks
Coldly appraising each others' worth
Couples sat in quiet conversation;
The events of the day, to escape their empty nests
Appreciations long since vanished from the cushioned comfort
Of a life bound by routines

A thought crossed her mind
There is no passion in routines.

Laughter from the corner table broke her thoughts
And a glance caught this unusual sight
Hands being held from across the table
And he leaned forward as a gentleman might
To place a gentle kiss on the back of her hand
Her heart picked up pace, as a bus boy
Delivered refills of water to the couple at the table in the corner
His eyes were met with smiles and instantly
The bus boy started smiling too
Smiles turned to laughter, a joke and honest play

Fun.

They were having fun.

She made a quick stride back to the table
For they certainly must be ready to order by now
And as she greeted them once more, they both smiled
Holding hands, and holding back the laughter
That bonded their moments into memories

Lost for words, and once again trying to contain her own laughter
The questions that came to mind had nothing to do with the menu

The questions rolled off of her tongue
And as if rehearsed, the couple at the table in the corner
Answered them one by one

It takes a youthful spirit to keep love alive
There is something to look forward to every day
It is a commitment not of solemn vows but of hearts
For words will fade like autumn leaves
While hearts are real
They're always real
And hearts can love, can grow, and can heal each other
Life should never be routine, for there is no passion in routines
And schedules should always leave room for something new
A moment can be an adventure, a moment can be a lifetime
And a moment can mean so much more, even to those around you
So never be stingy with smiles for each other
For everyone you touch
Because a smile can make someone's day better

And with that answer, he took her hand
And helped her stand from her seat
He gently brushed her long, white hair back and kissed her cheek
Their eyes met, as he picked up his cane
Placed his hand on her hip, and danced her away
Leaving their happiness behind for someone else's day

Those are lessons never lost
To help make cold days warmer
Like a gift that is free of cost
From the couple at the table in the corner

Right On

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

Exactly.

I understand the government's desire to control what we do, how we act, who we interact with, what we do with our own bodies, etc. I get it. Controlling the populace, especially women, has been one of the main purposes of government since Grog discovered the secret to making and controlling fire, and then the tribe counsel enacted a law by two-thirds majority that fire was far too powerful for every individual to have and Grog was summarily executed for fear that he was conjuring evil spirits, and that is how his food got so tasty.

Or, at least that was what the counsel told everyone. Have they ever released the Grog Files?

No matter. Just because the government wants to control us doesn't mean they should, and what people do with their bodies, with the bodies of those they love, the drugs they might take, the raging rivers they might swim in... the chances they take, and the choices they make belong to each individual and to the individual alone.

As long as those choices and actions do not infringe upon anyone else's pursuit of life, liberty and happiness, no one should have a damn thing to say about them.

Be decent to each other, and be free.

Going Deep

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

Our society? We allow our elderly to linger in hospital beds, fed by tubes, broken and suffering, hanging on to the unraveled and frayed threads of their life. We pump them full of medicines, hook them up to machines that will breathe for them, while we sit by their side and watch them slowly fade into death. Then we drain the blood from their bodies, fill them full of chemicals and paint their faces so they look somewhat alive for a few more days so we can watch over them in death as well. In the end, their bodies are locked into a metal box and we store them away in the ground, or in a mausoleum where whatever life giving resources that might still be in them can be forever locked away, unable to provide back to the Earth and future life.

Why?

Which Direction Do I Go?

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

February 8, 2008.

Thoughts as true tonight as they were back then...

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It's ok. It really is.

Seriously. I should be used to this.

If I didn't care, I wouldn't ask. But I asked, because... well... I care.

Things always seem to end up like this though.

...so... should I stop caring or just stop asking?