I took my daughter, and girlfriend to see Dear Evan Hansen at Shea's Performing Arts in Buffalo yesterday. Great show. It was an amazing blend of musical production, and technological production along with some stellar acting, and singing. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

But throughout, I couldn't help but feeling like the character of Evan Hansen really hit close  to the core of my own being. Although I can't say my anxiety displayed as hyperactive, or jittery like the character displayed, I was often quietly anxious, and in a time when it just wasn't understood. I was, and still am, forgettable, and someone who doesn't quiet belong anywhere. I'm odd. The present day me has this resume that makes little sense to anyone who reads it, which makes me confusingly unemployable.  The 10 to 17 year old me often struggled with nausea, and insomnia due to my anxiety over school. I never wanted to stand out, so grades were never my goal; being average was. When I would get a high score on the bowling team, I was excited, until the following morning when it would be mentioned on morning announcements, then I would cringe, and put my head down on my desk until it was over. I struggled talking to girls. I tried, but knew the rejection, and mocking later would be unbearable. I hated phys-ed. Phys-ed teachers were just grown up bullies. Swim class was even worse. Body image issues, fear of failing, fear of more embarrassment, and mocking. Every time I had swim, and for those of you who remember, it was once every 6-day cycle, that day would be the worst day imaginable. 

Evan Hansen was worried about his hands sweating. I was worried about my eczema, my obesity, my weird hair...

Evan Hansen had no friends until he found others who also felt out of place, and they discovered each other via artificially memorializing another student who had no place. I had friends, but like Evan, mostly only the ones who also felt out of place. The other kids who didn't belong anywhere specific. I played sports, but wasn't a jock. I had long hair but wasn't a freak. I was in band but wasn't a band-geek. I didn't fit anywhere. I was in computer classes, but wasn't an all out nerd about it.  I wanted to be social but didn't know how. I got heavier into photography because it gave me a means to be social, and move around seamlessly between activities, and groups of people. It gave me an excuse to do something other than be at home, which I often dreaded. Evan found himself caught in a web of lies trying to be a part of something that was more than who he was. I learned I could be a part of something else, but still hide behind a camera.

Evan climbed a tree, and let go.

I developed an eating disorder, often starving myself for days, even weeks, because I was tired of being the fat kid.

As I watched the story of Dear Evan Hansen unfold, I unconsciously tugged, and scratched at my beard, feeling the cringe worthy feelings of my younger self's anxiety.  That similar fear of not being able to adequately explain how I felt, knowing others, even those closest to me wouldn't understand. It was more than just a stomach ache for me. I seemed tired all the time then because I was emotionally exhausted. No one seemed to understand. I couldn't get them to understand. He couldn't really get anyone to understand, either.

And that is where so much of this is relateable.  When you're at that age, so few people have the ability communicate such complex feelings; the dark, and dismal thoughts that you know won't result in understanding, but a trip to the doctor, or worse. People only hear what they want to hear. You're supposed to do what you're told. You don't often get options, and these days, what you get are a diagnosis, a label, and drugs. We understand more but everything is a diagnosis, and the end goal is to make everyone a "productive member of society" rather than a healthy person, who is right with him or herself. Suicide prevention is so often pasting a list of phone numbers on social media, when what people really need is empathy, listening, better healthcare, a hopeful future, love, and to know that they are important enough to others to get their time, their patience, and their best efforts at understanding each other. We're told to take better care of ourselves: get a gym membership, eat healthier, drink 64-ounces of water every day! But no where in our society do we get told, you're emotionally exhausted? Take a day off and nap, read a book, and talk to your friends - it's ok! Feeling like you're going to have a mental breakdown? Take time for yourself, and do something enjoyable. Focus on you, and what you need, not your job, or kids, or bills... it's ok!

Jeebus forbid we all get comprehensive healthcare that includes mental health services. But our society expects us to always be mentally healthy anyway.

It was rough. I felt so much empathy for the character Evan Hansen, and even for his mom. I left the show emotionally drained. But it was such a good performance.

As I've grown older, most of the childhood anxiety waned. I still have anxiety, sometimes for no apparent reason. This morning, in fact, I felt completely trapped by it, both unwilling, and unable to move from bed for a considerable amount of time. It happens. Most days though, I'm ok.

And I still have my camera, and it still helps me deal with social situations. Yes, photography is a passion, and I love creating art, but sometimes it's also my security blanket. Perhaps now I just feel that even though I might still be completely forgettable, at least my photos will preserve my experiences, and perhaps a bit of who I have been. Because I am so odd I struggle finding work that is meaningful to me (but I have a part time job right now which I do really enjoy) .Eventually I might find what I'm really meant to do, and where I'm really meant to be. Until then, I'm just going to keep trying to communicate all those dark, and dismal feelings the best that I can, and maybe a few others will understand, and recognize they are not alone in this.