Category: Blog

Of Nothing

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

From June 3, 2009 - a time when my traveling was all but over and all I had left were past reflections of what was, and what I learned.

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Isn’t it funny how a flavor can be a smell? Like the sweet taste of scotch on my own breath as I exhale. The flavor invades my nose and I smell... a place. Smells remind us of so much, so vividly of our past.

The smell takes me back to a bar; a random bar on some random summer night in a random city on some random trip. Does it matter where? It doesn’t to me. Who was I with? No one. And that's meaningless.

All that matters is the feeling. That feeling of being able to lose myself in the empty anonymity of being nowhere in particular. To sit at a bar and drink. To be nobody to everyone. To watch the people around me come and go while the ambient music is just a little too loud to be pleasing. The glow of my cell phone in front of me, beckoning me to start a text conversation with someone, or to drag me a little closer back to the reality I’m so far from.

Happy to be far from.

Days long gone.

The time, like all time, was fleeting. But the magic of discovery, and discovering me was vital. Learning what this life has to offer before returning to a trap set once more with the intent of pinning me down, holding me tight, choking me and snapping my neck just for the pleasure of hearing that halting snap.

Now, to play out the details of what remains while still remembering that smell.

And those nights of a different nothing than the nothing of my life.

Incompletely

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

Originally written September 6, 2010

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Paper lies cover tight
Unfolded skin
Taken light
Where gaping wounds cry
Lacking eyes for sight
Crying from their vein
Begging to hear your voice
Speak my name
To see the echoes
Gather in crowds
Inside my brain
Sweating, seething
Crazy or sane

You can feel the past
And recreate it

It’s just never the same

Incomplete and broken
Where you once stood
Your love my only token
Giving rise to this flood
This emotion, hope and love
We give in to sheltered dreams
Happily ever-after scripts
Played out on our own silver screens
Fortune for the few
Fame for even less
More of us live askew
Dreaming of false success

But we all have hope
To make each day new
A chance
A ray of light
That brings our dreams into view

While sins we fail to fear
Consequences?
I’m well aware
Revealed when the voice that said
They are more than just words read
From a book of stories told
Fables falling from the fold
The icy waters that rush over stones
Washing the sins that stain the bones
Left by the choices of days past
In hiding places unable to last

And it was here when the voice
The voice said to me
“These memories you hold
Won’t set you free,
And the bodies in your basement,
You must let them be.
Piles of silver, galleons of gold,
And creature comforts,
Truth be told,
Won’t fill your heart
As you grow old
Your world will grow cold
And then, where will you be?
This life is the one,
The only one you’ll get.
Will you live it in full,
Or die in regret?
If you want to live it
In your own human way
Then lift up your roots
And enjoy every day
Break free from what binds you
And seek distant lands
Never look behind you
At the fallen sands,
Live your life true
And life will reward you!”

Words so irresistible
I had never heard
From voices more tangible
Or the echoes they stirred
But this stranger’s voice
Deep in the dark of my head
Left me no choice
When I heard the words that it said

I listened deep
And I took it to heart
Not in wake nor in sleep
But where should I start?
To embrace this life
This proposal so sweet
Would end all the strife
And sweep me off my feet
It would close a chapter
Leaving the past behind
And bury another body
In the basement of my mind

What is there to lose?
I pondered over and over again
Life will always change and move
No matter when or where I begin

So it all starts here
With a decision
And worry
And hope
Set the wheels in motion
Something a little more reasonable
Break away the corrosion
And get to something more feasible
Close my eyes and take a step
Feel the oceans hidden depth
Feel the clouds move again
Feel the rain that they send
Feel the Earth move at my feet
Feel the Sun’s eternal heat
Feel the Moon and the gravity
Feel destruction without calamity
Feel what I feel when I feel
And I feel this wound finally heal

And Nothing More

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

I

In his declaration, he astounds
His good intentions, in sucking grounds
Sinking in the depths of watery Earth
A muddy place of death and mirth
As bystanders watch amused
Nothing more.
Bleeding.
Bruised.

And nothing more.

Nothing more.

Trapped by roots, in a sullen town
Too broken for making speech or sound
Trapped between sky and ground
Not a heaven and hell
Just soles and crown
The hard trodden roads
Under street lights shining down

While the rest of life drowns

Heartless life made muddy brown
A soul left lost.
Tied.
Bound.

Weathered.
Tethered.

And there
His report was found

II

He had waited for his day of knowing
A day to reap all he had been sowing

His day for solace and understanding
Nothing special he was demanding
Just answers to his questions
And the fruits of his intentions
To the satisfaction
Of his innate curiosity

And nothing more.

Nothing more.

The why
Especially the why
There was never an answer to the why
And it haunted him
Lurching a black cloud above
On the sunny days
And times of love
Weeping tears and pain
Cold and drowning in this rain
Rolling down his creasing brow
Nothing that he can change now

He felt older
Older, not wiser
And left behind
With the broken arrows
Beneath the targets he could not pierce
Each one begging the question

Why?

III

Wistful scrawling
On the wall
Ceiling, floor and down the hall
Symbols, words and statements made
Begging for a barter trade
To make them real once again
Bring them to life was his plan
No breath, no sigh, no blood in vein
No beating heart, no thinking brain

Broken
Beaten
Spirit buried

No more this life
Would make him harried

Left with words and nothing more

And nothing more.

Nothing more.

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Originally written May 27, 2011

Brand New!

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

So photography is the path, but my history is filled with a whole lot of technical work. When it comes to storing huge amounts of data, I know the pain we all face. And with photography, it is intensified. In today's digital age, that data is your work, your art, your passion!

It MUST be protected!

The good news is, I'm here to help. Check out my store to take advantage of some great deals on storage and data backup services.

In the technology section you will find Buffalo Networking Linkstations. These are awesome little network storage devices that you can access from anywhere, even on the road, as long as you have an internet connection. They make backing up your photos a breeze! Best of all, they come with multiple mirrored hard disk arrays, so you can be sure that you always have two copies of the photos of the wedding you just shot, or your aunt's 90th birthday part, or your nephew's 1st birthday party, or any of those other once in a life time events that you need to preserve for a lifetime!

On the road and shooting, or traveling for an extended time? Check out a Living In The Buff exclusive! In the technology section you will find a 480GB solid state portable drive that can be connected via USB to any laptop or desktop supporting USB 2.0. Solid state is a great way to make sure your drive is protected from the vibrations, drops and other hazards that can kill ordinary mechanical hard drives.

Need the ultimate in data protection? We also can provide off-site, cloud based backup solutions. No matter how much data you have, this affordable solution will keep your data protected even if a disaster wipes out all of your in-office or mobile storage! And with automated backup routines, you can go to sleep at night secure in knowing that 24/7, we've got your back!

Please check out all of the great technology options in the new store!

And if you've missed the like twice already, you can find the new store HERE!

Insomnia

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

Sometimes the tired mind gets to a place it couldn't go when rested. Thoughts flow, and words from them. Ideas begin to set in and discoveries are made....

This is from October 16, 2007. My birthday. It was a turbulent time in my life when everything seemed upside-down.

Except for one glimmer of hope.

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I slept horrible last night. Or perhaps better stated, I didn’t sleep horrible last night. Knowing I had an early morning to get into work, and the hell of a commute in New York City facing me to start, I tossed and turned just waiting for my wake-up call.

I suppose it didn’t help that my mind was running circles around the same issues it has been running circles around for quite some time now. What should I do? All these daunting tasks; the mountains that stand in my way, the raging rivers I must cross to reach what I want.

It is a metaphor I’ve used before… like trying to swim across a raging river; knowing what I’m leaving behind on one shore, unsure if I am strong enough to make it to the other.

The man who would play it safe would just live in contentment in the safety of the shore he was already standing on. Why dive into swirling torrents full of danger? What is so bad about quiet contentment, even if it isn’t exactly what makes you happy?

But as time has gone on, it’s not so much I can’t bear to stand on the shore anymore, but the river is rising. My room on this shore is eroding into the swift currents; I can’t stand by and let it sweep me under into a quiet despair and drown me. No, it’s sink or swim now.

I have to swim.

Not only do I have to swim, I have to realize there is so little for me on this shore it is time to throw myself to the swelling white-capped rapids before me. The rocks are sharp and jagged, the waters full of undertows. I can almost feel the mist of the waterfalls in the distance mocking me and calling me to fail as it chills my skin.

Sink, or swim?

Or simply succumb to the inevitable?

I must swim.

And what lies on the other shore? What is my guarantee that it is any better on that side of the river? Perhaps the murky waters have already eaten away too much of that shore I’m only swimming towards nothing, no future, no happiness. Nothing but the slow drowning death I’m already trying to avoid.

Still,it’s a risk I have to take.

Through risk, we grow. Through risk, we fail or succeed.

Only through taking risks can we achieve what we want in life. No one said life would be easy. The easy way is to stand on the shore and deny it dissolving under your feet. To keep backing up… regressing… avoiding the future and trying to hide in the comforts of the past.

That has never been my way of doing things. It is a risk I must take.

So if this is the end of who I am, so be it. I’ll shed off the clothes I once wore and dive head first into the cold, sucking river before me. I’ll swim as hard and fast as I can, on my own.

I will reach the other shore, on my own.

Or, I’ll drown. But at least I’ll know I wasn’t afraid to take the risk and try to live my life to the fullest.

------------------------------------------

After writing this, and settling into my day, I received the following birthday greeting:

This day, is my new favorite day.

This day, brought so many other days that now, spark joy and breathe onto the flames of my happiness, desire, creativity, and bring a deep breath of life.

What an amazing twist of life, yarn and strands of what...fate? whatever it is...it twists and turns down paths neither of us can understand, yet here we are. And we collapse, we fall to the ground laughing because this is the perfect friendship.

So today, because this is the day that it all began before I even knew, I will dance. All day I will dance and sing, I will kiss the sky, stomp my feet. Beat a rhythm into the ground with my happiness and my small corner of the world will know how I feel.

I wish you the greatest, I wish only that you know the happiness that I do. The warmth that fuels you, brings a smile to your face as it has to mine, will be my first gift.

The first gift of many.

Perhaps the most positive, loving message I had ever received on my birthday....

Thinking thoughts

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

More random musings, from a tired mind. This, from December 19, 2010.

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I mentioned it before; there are these ebbs and flows to life. An elliptical orbit around a center point of consistency.

If not consistency, at least a normal, unshakable, virtually unchangeable… something.

Sometimes the orbit takes you further from that center, but eventually, and sometimes too quickly, the ellipse is complete and you’re right back to where you started. Almost like a gravitational sling-shot – the harder you pull to escape that tug, the faster it snaps you right back into the orbit of patterns. Patterns of similar troubles, similar situations, similar feelings – and all too often, we try and solve them, to break the orbit, using the same solutions that never worked to begin with.

The problem becomes, as simple animals, we forget. Time erases or at least blurs the memory of the emotional scars. Or, we do a great job in getting past them and move on from those scars only to find we’re opening them back up without even knowing it.

Self-reflection is a good thing but it can only take you so far.

We attempt to make changes; to grab a new path, to find a new center, yet somehow we come right back to where we once were. Sometimes we try new solutions only to discover they were really the same old solutions, we just didn’t realize it.

How do we escape it?

What is the solution?

How do we grow as people, change for the better, become who we want and find happiness?

I wish I knew.

..how things change.

With a change in perspective comes so many other changes. What we will dedicate our time to, the things we want, the things we enjoy, our goals, our appreciations. Even who we relate to and how we relate to others.

Like the wind from a butterfly's wings and all that other string theory crap.

Sometimes I just have to sit back in amazement just to observe... then move on with life and wonder if that orbit was indeed broken, or if it will simply come back full circle again.

For The Ages

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

From December 2009

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Speaking as a matter of fact
He presses hard against his chest
Feeling the heart that beats within
Slowing to a pace more normal for him
“This change has come about,” he states,
“and I realize it combines our fates.
But less we hasten to a conclusion,
For together we can find a solution.”

He could do nothing as she parted
The unwinding of this threat had started
Without his knowing, just a hint
Although he knew it was merely a stint
Not life renown to be his own
Only a step for her as he was a stone
A support; a crutch to a future so great
And deep in his heart he knew he didn’t rate

With fond memories of what never would be
And a thought of what she couldn’t see
He stood with a tear rolling down his cheek
And wondering how he could be so meek
To let all of this slip away

But then he remembered…

The memory returned…

And he recalled that fateful day
Many years before they had met
A day no others would remember, I bet
The day he learned of this awful fact
Given in a lesson lacking tact

Unlovable
Unwanted
And easily forgotten

“Oh yeah,” he thought, “I guess I should let you go.
There is no way I could keep a girl like you
Such beauty; an angel on Earth you are
And me, just a dog groveling to be
Something more special to someone, you see
But this, us, this thing was never meant to be.
I wonder what you ever did see in me.
Something more than a forgettable wretch,
Better than dull and meaningless would be a stretch.
A provider perhaps, someone to care
When you were in a worse place than here
But now you’re on your way to better things
And I would only dampen your wings
So we will move on and you’ll be on your way
But, honestly, if I have to see you every day
I’ll probably go crazy, too crazy to discuss
Because my heart will never give up on us.”

A Crazy Day

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

A quick story about the struggles of air travel, from January 20, 2009

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Crazy day. A tale that actually began and ended at Gate 2. The gate used by the flights going to and returning from Regan National.

I had to go to Louisville today for a couple days worth of work which I managed to finish in just less than 5 hours total time. So I turned myself around and grabbed a flight back home. Made for a nice 20 hour day with travel and all, but being at home and alone I guess is better than being in Kentucky, at all.

Almost didn’t get there though; this morning at Regan National, they couldn’t find our plane.

If you’ve never flown US Airways Express through Regan, consider yourself lucky, but then listen to how archaic this system is:

Flights all park out on the tarmac and the airport buses the passengers to and from the planes and the terminal. They have two gates from which all express flights depart, which basically just designates which bus you get on, but they release three flights for boarding at a time.

Fortunately this morning was a light traffic day, unlike the afternoon, and evening when Regan National turned into a zoo because of the inauguration ceremony tomorrow. There were only about 10 people on the flight to Louisville but we all got a tour of the departure area because they couldn’t decide which plane was actually ours. So the bus took us from the terminal, to a plane, and back… then back out to the planes, then back to the terminal… then back out to the planes…. Then back to the terminal.

In between each trip the driver had to have a face to face discussion or argument with crew, ground personnel and the gate dispatcher. He has a radio on the bus, so I still have no idea why he had to drive back and forth to discuss these things in person.

But eventually we found a plane they would let us use and imagine the surprised crew who had been there waiting for us for 20 minutes.

Ahhh… Monday mornings are the best.

And next week I start five straight weeks of work in Louisville…

I will need drinks. Lots of strong, strong drinks.

Car Troubles in Kentucky

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

This one, from February 12, 2009. A strange tale to offer some perspective on the issues I used to face when traveling.

This was one of the more unusual ones.

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So, here is a good one.

Just when I thought Kentucky couldn’t get worse…

..on the advice of the vendor reps I am working with, they recommended staying at the Seelbach hotel – a 100 year old, legendary hotel in down town Louisville. A lot of history, now owned by Hilton and refurbished... a really neat place.

I have to say the hotel itself is amazing. A lot of old character and charm… comfortable just like any other Hilton. Good restaurants and bars inside.

But the oddest thing happened tonight.

The reps suggested I valet my car. The difference between self-parking and valet is only $4 and valet is so much easier. All good by me. I returned to the hotel around 7PM tonight and told valet I would be back in about an hour to grab the car to go out to dinner. They said, no problem, they’ll just leave it up front for me and ready for my return.

Cool.

So around 8PM I went downstairs and there was my car right where I parked it. Fantastic. I approach the valet stand and ask the obviously nervous and scrambling attendant for the key to my car.

“Oh, you have the silver Nissan?” he asks.

“Yeah, I think it’s number 302 or something… the valet this morning wouldn’t give me my claim receipt so…”

He cuts me off… nervous and panicky.

“We have a problem, well, not our fault, really, but, it’s a serious problem…” he said rapidly.

“Ohhh k.. what’s the problem?”

“Well *ahem* this has never happened before… we’re really sorry... but… apparently someone broke into our valet box as stole the key for your car.”

Me *dumbfounded*.

“Uhhhhh.. ok? So… ?”

“Well, they took keys to about six cars... all we had in there. Yours is one of them.. and the other two next to yours. The van has been clicking like someone has been hitting the buttons so the police are hiding across the street watching all the cars. Your car won’t go anywhere without them seeing so that isn’t a problem… but... do you need your car?”

At this point… what would you say?

I have nothing of value in the car… and it’s a rental… so… whatever. This is more of an inconvenience than anything. But… wow.

The guy couldn’t be more apologetic or accommodating. He paid for a taxi to take me to dinner, and back. But, seriously, how does a reputable, high-end hotel in the middle of a busy downtown market district allow this to happen?

Seriously.

This was a first for me.

I returned to the hotel after dinner and was met by the hotel manager and a locksmith. They explained where they were – since it was a rental they couldn’t just go to Nissan and get a new fob keyed, they had to go through Avis. They asked me for my contract, which of course was locked in the car. No worries – I called Avis first and went around the phone call transfer circuit to get to someone who could handle this. He suggested there might be a spare fob in the spare tire well, or call the airport maintenance tomorrow and the might have one. Odds are, neither are the case since the car has tags from another area.

The hotel head honcho - he too was apologetic and after the locksmith broke into the car to see if we could locate the spare fob in the trunk he dove right into the back seat to dig into the trunk and find that fob. Pretty spry for his age.

No luck. The car still sits in front of the hotel.

They have all been very attentive to the situation... but…

Does it ever get more strange than Kentucky?

Part two…

Had to put some time into working this out with Avis this morning. Of course at 8AM none of the hotel management was in yet and the lackey running the valet desk was up to his ass in pissed off people demanding their cars. I had more luck dealing with the locksmith who had returned with keys for another person’s car and was checking on replacing the fob for mine.

Avis agreed to just replace the car and were bringing a new one on a flat-bed, which they would then haul out the Nissan on.

Unfortunate – I really like the Nissan. Now I’ll probably get a 1972 Pinto…

But that will wait until I return to the hotel. There is still work to be done. The locksmith was kind enough to give me a ride to the hospital – which is only about 8 blocks from the hotel. Still, on a cold morning that is more than appreciated.

I’ll deal with the rest tonight…

Sunday Night Story

Posted on by Paul In The Buff

It has been a long time since I've bored everyone with one of my Sunday Night musings, stories or Vogon quality poems. Here is a little look inside my head from August 29, 2009.

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Isn’t it funny how often we consider our own lives and the paths we took, and ask ourselves, “was that the right path for me?”

Ok, maybe I’m the only one. I do self-reflect a lot. I think it helps me re-stabilize myself and figure our just what the hell it is I’m doing. Not necessarily what I’m doing right, or what I’m doing wrong… but just to pay attention to my own actions and how they relate to the things I want.

When I was younger my dream was to move to California and bum around a lot. High ambitions, I know, but I wanted to get away from my family, and the feeling of being trapped by expectations I would never live up to. I wanted to find my own way, learn to live and survive on my own, and become a different person than my environment made me.

Life happens. I never made that trip, and I’m still here. Am I becoming the person I wanted to be? Slowly, I think I am. Do I stay on that path? Not always… life is tough. There is a lot to do every day, tough decisions to be made, heartaches to get past, responsibilities to live up to, tasks to put behind, expectations… always expectations from myself and others…

*whew*

It’s a lot.

But I feel fortunate for the good people in my life that I love and cherish that help me through it every day. They live up to the only reasonable meaning of life I’ve ever found – each of us helping each other get through it, whatever it may be.

Still it comes down to me. What do I want and how do I go about getting it? Questions I ask myself and far too often have no answer to.

But since I’ve stopped travelling I feel like my life has grown a bit stagnant. Time to start looking outside of these walls again…