A story from my past travels. This one was written March 16, 2008. Just over five years ago.

I sit here pondering this story as I prepare for a 5:10AM flight. It is 2:51AM. Cold winds still blow outside, even though we're on the warm side of the Vernal Equinox. Winter won't release its grip. Similarly, I feel frozen by what has been gripping me and not letting go.

Maybe you'll see the threads...

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…the sky is… plain.

A complete cover of smooth, white clouds below. I was hoping for clear skies, good scenery. But, not to be. The smooth white clouds stretch as far as the eye can see.

I ponder the pictures I took today… I watch the in-flight movie… “Something’s Got To Give.”

Am I Jack Nicholson’s character or… do I want to be?

I don’t think I want to be… but…

Unfortunately I’m not Jack Nicholson and I’ll never be coveted in such a way as he is in this movie… My life is not a Hollywood script. My life doesn’t play out as if someone wrote all of the perfect scenes.

I can’t just jump from a romantic scene on the beach making love in the rain to a poignant scene of life changing consequence. A soundtrack doesn’t audibly play for every scenario of my days….

But damn, it would be cool if it did.

I do my best every day to make my time meaningful in the best ways I know how. But sometimes, I just don’t know how…

…not a clue.

I spend my time doing what I can.

Working.

Trying to be…. The man I want be. The person others want me to be.

Sometimes... I just don’t know how.

These days, I feel things I never have before. My life… is not Hollywood, but it can be wonderful. In fact, I feel it is wonderful. I’m trying to take in every minute… enjoy every emotion. Enjoy every feeling. Enjoy everyone I get to know and I try to learn everything I can.

Patience. And enjoyment. Enjoying everything. Everything… the happiness…the pain… the struggle… every struggle. And even the happiness can bring struggles… pain… can bring happiness.

It’s a feeling. At least I’m feeling.

This is my life.

I spent some of my morning climbing in the mountains near Anchorage, taking my rented Toyota Camery up roads signed as “Maintained for use of Four-Wheel Drive Vehicles with Studded Ties Only.” But hey, it’s a rental. And you know the old adage – what is the difference between a Jeep and a rental?

You can drive the rental ANYWHERE.

Caroming up and down the steep hillside roads, covered in ice. Cinders have been spread on the road to help vehicles keep traction… the only moments I was nervous really was watching H2s and kids driving pick-up trucks coming down the hill at me, looking unsure of their own vehicle's footing.

I arrived at a State Park overlook area, after sliding backward down a steep incline. I guess that warning got serious, eventually. I set off on my hike, with not much time to spare. The winds chilled me through my light layer of clothing. The snow whipped into my face; the winds made it hard to breathe. I started out without gloves and a hat, and soon learned that was not the best of plans.

I took some shelter behind a building near the parking area and pulled my gloves and hat from my pack. With my camera hanging around my neck, I set out on the trail. The snow had all of the scenic overlooks blocked off so I had to hike up a ski path. Wearing a light riding jacket, motorcycle boots and cargo pants, this wasn’t the easiest of hikes.

I found a clearing… but a row of brush blocked my view of the valley below. If I could step past the brush I could get a great picture of the valley… but only two steps off of the path, my foot sank. I was knee deep into the accumulated snow. I took another step to move past where I was… on my next step, I was waist deep.

Fuck.

Holding my camera up high I pulled myself out of the snow and clawed my way back onto the trail.

I continued forward up the path. I know somewhere ahead there has to be a solid clearing. My hands began to numb from the wind and cold. The snow was stinging my face. Everyone else I see up here is bundled in ski clothing… most skiing, few hiking.

I finally reach a clearing… higher up the winds are stronger. Taking the time to take pictures – climbing up on mounds of dirt and rock, frozen, snow and ice covered. But this is why I’m here.

After ten minutes in this clearing, against this wind, I know I need to start heading back down the trail…. heading back to the city. To the airport. Home.

I stopped at a bistro for lunch and reviewed my pictures… we spoke on the phone. Your voice… warmed me.

On to my sixth rum drink on this flight… the movie, not even noise in my headphones at this point…

Hollywood is... weird to me these days. Movies of yesterday speak to me more than modern movies…

I look out the window. The sun is setting. The smooth white clouds are now smooth and gray. A thin orange glow just above the clouds gives way to the blue above it… blue.. and darker blue…

…and clouds.

This… is my life.

They ran out of rum.

This is quite distressing.

How could I drink the whole plane out of rum?!?!?!?!