Just going to throw out some thoughts based on a Twitter thread I spied last week which got me thinking, perhaps a bit more than it should have, about my own position in this world as a man, and as a person, and as a partner in a relationship. The topic of Toxic Masculinity has been prevalent in our media, and in society in general with the rise of the #MeToo movement. Many people think the term toxic masculinity takes away a man's power to be a man; to adhere to what many men see as their true nature, and the gender roles that men traditionally occupy.

Toxic Masculinity is defined as this adherence to traditional male gender roles, and the restriction of the kinds of emotions allowable for males to express. This includes the social expectation that men should be the dominant gender, and not express emotion, other than the basics: happy, or angry, with the side functions of hungry, tired, and (always) horny. Men are the hunters, often the gatherers, the providers, but not the nurturers, or care-takers. Men are driven by competition, and success, by conquest, and by possessions. It conjures the popular images of pre-historic man, returning to the tribe with his kill, and then dragging his mate back to the cave by her hair, or the more modern image of the 1950's dad coming home from work, smoking a pipe, and reading the newspaper while the expected hot dinner is served by his doting wife.

Neither is an image that I align with, personally, but I get it. The idea isn't lost on me.

Before I go further into my own thoughts, here is the thread that got me started in my most recent over-thinking, as captured in graphics:

Ok, so this isn't all bad. I mean, Kurt does have some points. The counter points however state that this overly simplified view of what a man "is" or "should be" excuses some shitty behavior by many men. Men like to win - given. Do women not like to win, or do women just understand diplomacy, and tact better than most men? Does this excuse the behaviors of men who like to win, and can't handle losing? Like those men who go off on tirades, or abuse, or even homicide when they are rejected by woman? Shouldn't part of being a man be being man enough to learn from your losses, reflect, and figure out how to be better next time, instead of blaming your losses on other people, or other factors all of the time?

This rolls into the recent media attention toward "incels". Incel is an acronym for "Involuntarily Celibate," or in other terms, men who can't get sex from women. Recently, a proclaimed incel member drove a van into a busy pedestrian area on Younge Street in Toronto, killing 10 people, and injuring 16, because he has been frustrated by rejection from women. My social media feeds are filled with screen-captures from woman posting their baffling, and often frightening interactions with men. The vitriol, the crass behavior, the lashing out seen from men facing rejection is repugnant, and appalling. I certainly hope this doesn't fit into Kurt's definitions of how to be proper man, or what the nature of men is. Unfortunately, given the violence that has always pervaded through our species, I fear this is actually a good deal of our nature, and something we need to work at overcoming.

Overcoming this requires men to step away from a lot of these classic definitions, and tempering them with something not quite as in line with what many might consider toxic masculinity.

As I always impress upon my soccer teams when I am coaching, yes, we want to win, but we have to understand what it takes to win, put forth the effort required to win, and recognize even when we have done our best, sometimes we just won't win. That's life in competition. The important things to remember are, when we win, we win with grace. When we lose, we keep our dignity, and take lessons from our losses.

Good character means more in life than having a perfect record, or a shelf of trophies.

No, I don't expect a participation trophy. I expect growth, maturity, and honest effort. And I believe that should be part of the definition of men in this "Elite Club" that Kurt is exalting.

How do we get there? Part of this I think requires us to not limit our feelings, or our emotions, and work toward understanding them better; recognizing them for what they are, learning how to express them in healthy ways, and deal with them in healthy ways. It's ok to be angry. It's not ok to take your anger out on others. It's ok to be sad, and to cry. Life isn't easy, and moving that emotional energy from within you, to outside of you is a healthy way to express it, and move yourself forward. It is ok to be afraid, and to express those fears. Bravery doesn't exist without the recognition of fear.

Our emotions are complicated. Yes, rejection hurts. It sucks. But not everyone will reject you. Look within yourself for the reasons why the rejection happens, step outside of yourself, and consider how your words, and actions might be perceived by others. Understand it takes something different to both move past that rejection, and find a place of acceptance within the lives of others. Appreciation for what others provide is part of being able to deal with rejection.

That's not an easy one. I get it. I've had to deal with plenty of rejection in one form or another throughout my life. Self-reflection, reading, experiencing, trying new things, while finding solace, and console in other parts of your social support systems helps.

Men are fixers. Yes, we like to fix things: machinery, objects, people - we try to fix everything we can. Admittedly, I'm bad with this at times. Often I forgo listening, and empathy for wanting to fix problems. I often have to stop myself from wanting to be the hero, the fixer, the person who can come up with every solution, and remind myself my role is sometimes just to listen, and ask questions, and be supportive.

So what is left of these traditional roles? What makes a man, a man?

I'm a man because I know automotive repair, right? I can change my brakes, I've rebuilt a motor, rebuilt a carburetor, stripped a car down to primer, filled in flaws with Bondo, installed audio equipment... but am I not a man because I can hug my friends comfortably without slapping their backs? Or because for a year I ran my business from home, and doubled as a stay-at-home dad with my daughter? Does my nurturing side eliminate me from the elite group of manhood?

I'm a man because I understand general contracting, obviously. I can frame a wall, run electrical, sweat copper pipes, install windows, siding, and roofing. I built a chicken coop from scratch with my own rough plans that I drew up. But am I not a man because I take pleasure in cooking meals for my family? Because I can get a stain out of clothing? I even rescued a pair of my girlfriend's jeans from a nasty grease mishap when we ate at a food truck. Unmanly?

Am I not a man because I recognize other people deserve personal space, and it's rude if I sit with my knees 24-inches apart from each other in a public space? Kurt, dude, I'll guarantee you, what you have between your legs doesn't require a two-foot leg spread. Mind your manners. Having good manners is a manly thing as well. Chivalry, and the consideration of others by nature is a manly thing.

I can fix a car, a house, and your computer. I am an artist, a photographer, an actor, a filmmaker, a writer, and a chef. I have been a counselor, a father, a coach, a mentor, a leader, and an entrepreneur. I cry at almost every movie at some point, and often while listening to music. Seriously, I get emotional over the strangest things, and I'm ok with that! I am deeply aware, and in touch with my emotions, and I understand the value of others being in touch with, and expressing their own emotions. I encourage it, and will never judge someone for it. I'm passionate, sexual, nurturing, and comfortable with intimacy on all levels. You need a hug? Your mom isn't always around. If I am, you can ask me. I'm ok with that.

I can recite sports statistics, tell you what strategies would work best in situations in football, hockey, baseball, and soccer. I can relate stories of past games, and athletic marvels, and come up with some of the most obscure sports trivia. My sports teams drive me crazy. Buffalo, you know? I revel in their victories, but more often, sigh over their shortcomings. In the end I recognize there is much more, and more important things in life than the results of sporting events, or even the history of championships won or lost.

Take me to the theater, a picnic in the park, camping, a restaurant opening, a formal event, a rock concert... I'm comfortable, and can find enjoyment in each of these.

I enjoy being supportive of my partner, and everything that she achieves. She amazes me, and she has the ability to do so much, in so many different areas of life than what I can do. She can be more successful than I am, and she is - I'm cool with that. I appreciate her for everything that she is, and I will be her biggest fan, without shame, or reservation. I know I can do my part in our relationship, and she appreciates what I provide to her. I stand behind her with love, and pride, and I'm always ready with snuggles, and affection for her.

Does that revoke my man card?

What parts of all of this makes me a man, or not a man?

If I had to redefine manhood myself, here is what I think makes me a man more than anything else:

I treat others with respect until they have shown me that they don't deserve it. I do my best to be mindful, compassionate, and empathetic of others. I try to raise my kids, to guide them into adulthood with healthy minds, and bodies, with this same empathy, with a strong sense of self-worth, and with an understanding that the only definite "have to do" items in life is to always do the right thing, and make the world a better place somehow each day.

I give my love freely, encourage others to be their best, and give my best, most honest efforts in all things. I recognize that I make mistakes, and have many flaws, but if I expect people to accept me as I am, then I need to do the same for them, with patience, understanding, and empathy. I never stop learning, taking on new challenges, and exploring myself, and my world. I recognize that there are limitations at times to what I can do, but there are no limitations to who I can be.

And I do my best to hold myself to a higher standard, to hold myself with dignity, humility, and an understanding that I am here to help others as much as I help myself.

Maybe that is all more important to being a man than those old, tired, gender concepts. We don't need to win, conquer, and be disconnected from our own emotions to be men. I would like to think that elite club of manhood actually excludes people who adhere to those old ideals, and now only accepts people who recognize there is an evolution beyond that past definition of being a man that we all need to strive to attain.

I know some men might read this and say, "You're part of the problem! You're trying to take away our roles, and our value as men!" To that I would say, please stop proving my point for me. Being a man is an important role, and there's no one exactly correct way to be a man. But it all starts with being a decent person, and if your definition of being a man is threatened by a call for decency, respect, emotional connection, and compassion, then please stop as ask yourself what kind of a man, nay, what kind of a human are you really trying to be?