Thoughts mused, somewhere around November 24, 2008....

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There was a point in my life where I wasn’t very happy, and I knew it.

At that time of my life, if there was such a thing as “emo” I probably would have been classified as such. Although I didn’t dress the part, I was depressed.

Literally.

More than just teen-angst – life seemed pointless and empty. I didn’t fit in and it was obvious. I had few friends and it was difficult for me to find enjoyment in anything.

But that was me on the inside. On the outside I was simply aloof, melancholy and just tried to take things a day at a time. Unfortunately most people mistook that for not caring and the slightest sign of motivation from me usually resulted in completely surprising others, sometimes to the point of dramatic over-reaction, which made me feel even worse.

Those who were close to me, that I discussed these things with… well, some wanted me to be happy. Others just wanted me to “be” happy… in other words, act happy whether I was or not.

People said (and still say) I’m too hard on myself. Too negative towards myself.

I’ve always thought I see myself in the light of true reality.

What many failed to understand was the difference between being happy and appearing to be happy. A lot of people appear to be happy and are tortured to misery within themselves. Others appear unhappy and yet are just who they want to be, and are happy with where they are in life.

Where am I now?

A bit in between. I’m happy with certain parts of my life, but completely dissatisfied with others. There are parts of my life – very important parts of my life that practically every day leave me confused, vexed and seeking answers.

Life offers me no guarantees – except one. I’ve come to realize that I am the only person I can count on. The only one I can truly rely on. The only one I can control or change.

Yes, I need to focus on me. Right now, that is all I can do.

All the problems other people have with me... I can’t really do anything about that.

One thing I have realized is, no matter how much I try to understand people or empathize with who they are, where they’ve been and the pain and trials they’ve lived through – few, very few, have ever taken the time to understand me the same way.

I appreciate those that have.

To those that haven’t and still want me to appear “happy,” well, I’m not going to lie to myself. If that’s a problem, too bad. Right now, I’m not very happy. I’m missing parts of my life. I’m trying to make up for time spent on other people and spend time on me now. I’ve taken a new direction, and chances are it isn’t a path those other people want to walk with me, I guess I’ll have to leave them behind.